A GIFT OF LIFE FOR YOURSELF

I have run into so many people lately that are addicted to crack cocaine or some other drug. One person has a plane ticket to Alberta where she can go to a treatment center, and a very expensive one too but she just can't say goodbye to the drugs. I saw her yesterday trying to stay warm in a mall, she was cold and looked so thin and tired.
I have been trying to convince her to go, that it is only for 3 months but she won't commit.
Why we choose that life of addiction over living clean I'll never know. That decision to go to treatment is frightening, it is like your losing your best friend.
She is in such bad shape as I was when I finally gave in and went into a center myself but once I walked through those doors I could finally relax, I knew there was going to be no more chaos, at least for awhile.
After a few days in there I was already feeling a thousand times better. I wasn't trying to figure out where my next high was going to come from. I was getting food, a warm bed, and great counselling. Those Counsellors aren't gods and they can only help if you really want it....
Doesn't' what I'm telling you sound OK, don't you think you can handle it, I think you can.
Look, whats the worst thing that can happen? You stop using drugs for a couple of months and you have the choice to use again when you get out right? But I know you won't because you will see what I've been trying to tell you, there is no comparison of the two. Play them through and you'll see that using is just a life of chaos and heartache.
Won't you just give it a try, go to a treatment center and win your life back. You'll love it I promise . Give yourself this gift and it will reward you for the rest of your life.

THE STARS ARE REACHABLE

I am starting to realize that my life is only what I have made of it. I was always so use to blaming others of all my miss fortunes in life. I used crack because I was stupid. I got addicted and when I should have quit I didn't and then I was living in hell, wasn't my fault though?
I am not happy with where I am in my life right now. I don't like my job, I don't like the fact that I have no trade but I never went for it. I never reached for the stars I just settled for what came my way and then I bitch about it.
I am not the most educated man but I am not simple either. I have always felt that I was not as bright as the next person and my old teachers told me so, my father told me so, my conscience told me so.
I was never going to amount to anything because I can't reach those stars. Someone put them too far from my grasp.
I was told in rehab that a very low percentage of people stay clean, ( I wish it was everyone ) and one of those percentages is me, me , yes me.
I am the only one who can reach those stars for myself and that is for any goal. You can too.
I want to have something for myself, that I did and can be proud of myself for it. I don't right now but I can see it, I can almost reach it too.
We can do most everything we want to if we just take those steps towards that goal, won't you take them with me and support me along the way and I for you. Lets go for it.

A KIND WORD OR A SMILE.

I was flagged over the other day by this young girl. She was an attractive girl who had her thumb out in a place where you normally wouldn't hitch a ride. I pulled over thinking that maybe she had car problems or something else was needed. She walked up to my working truck window and asked me how I was, and then told me that she was in need of some help and the help would be money. I glanced at her fingers and sure enough they told the story.
She told me that she needed money and that she would do sexual favors in exchange for money.That was a month and a half ago and I have seen her on the streets here and there and my heart hurts every time I talk to her. She is so much thinner now, her clothes are dirty, she has dirt in her hair and she told me that she is getting tired of this life now.
She told me today that she already has been in 3 rehab centre's and the look she had on her face was total hopelessness. When I first talked to her I had told her of my past and that I too was a recovering crack addict, I told her that I will never give her money and for her to never offer me sex in exchange for. I told her that I would feed her and that was it, not give her money for food but to get her some.
Today and every time I talk to her I tell her what a wonderful woman she is and that she is so pretty with such a beautiful personality and I think she responded in her own way. I told her that I can't wait to see her with months of clean time under her belt and that I have faith in her.
I don't know if she has anyone in her life to turn to or look forward to seeing if she gets clean but I am at least someone that she can trust a little, I hope.
Just to listen to her, to respond to her, to give a compliment can't hurt, it can only give someone that push to get them started on the right path to a normal life again.
I would like to believe that wouldn't you?
A kind word, a smile , just might be the start to a wonderful life for someone.

loving life

Oh god how I love my life now. It is so great to live each day without the chaos of drug addiction. I have met so many people in the last little while and they are so special to me, I never would have met them if I was still using. When I first got out of rehab I never gave it a thought of what my life would be like two plus years clean but let me tell you it is fantastic. I have a job, a house, a car (with insurance ) and my health back again. I love to wake up each morning and go about my day with the only intention of just living my life normal. I have love in my life, I have stability, I have my dignity.
I don't know how much better it can get, well I guess my daughters in my life would put the icing on the cake but that will come too.
I want you to have the same thing for yourself, it is not to much to ask is it ?
I am not anyone special. I just decided to get clean and it gets easier as the time goes on believe me.

It is getting easier with each and every day I have clean. I use to wonder how I was going to be after I had some clean time in and now I know, I am going to be just fine. At meetings you would hear of other people who would slip after a couple of years or more and that would actually scare me but not right at this moment or at this time. I am so happy to be living this time of my life clean that every problem is a challenge and not a reason to use. It is my choice and mine only if I want to go out and use again, there really isn't any other reason that I can blame it on, can you?
Get yourself to a stage where You are not only wanting to quit but want it so bad that you can taste it.

JUST KEEP ON FIGHTING

So you started on your road to recovery, everything is going fine and all of the sudden you get that urge to use and you start to convince your self that its ok to buy a little and it will only be a one time thing. When I first relapsed after my first stint in rehab I had thought the same thing but thats not the way it turned out, after 2 yrs of chaos and lies I finally confessed that I needed to get help again. The funny thing is is that nothing changed thoughout the use, it didn't get better because I was in controll of it. You are never in controll of that sh-- and it will suck every bit of self worth right out of you.
Don't let a slip become a relapse, get some help right away and tell someone that you slipped, I sure wish I did because maybe it would have saved 2 yrs of my life.
I fight for my clean time every day now and I will never give it away, to what? being broke, tired, skinny, gaunt, hungry, shamefull, lonely. Think of your reasons to stay on the road to recovery and fight, you might get knocked down but get up and keep on fighting for your life back.
This is not an easy task but living the life of an addict is constant work so stop thinking of giving up and keep going down the road you know best, the road that you were meant to be travelling where everyone you love and care about are on to share a life of happiness. The road of a drug addict leads to death, it starts off with the body and mind and eventually takes your soul.
Keep on fighting and never give up.

THAT DAY AND FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

What do you think is the reason that you keep going back to using and just can't stay clean is?
The consequences are always the same if not worse but we just keep using over and over. I would want to quit one day and the next day I would be calling the dealer and repeating the same thing over again.
I think you have to be realistic, you have to figure out what makes you go out and buy. Make a conscious effort to figure the reasons of when you buy, whats happening at the time, did you just get paid, did you go out and borrow money, what time was it, when is the time your most likely to use. I myself would start to romanticize about the next high until everything that I was building up to fight the cravings were gone only to realize that there really was no romance and that the nightmare was just about to begin again.
I want you to start one day when you have just had enough and give it your all. Don't give in so easily, you never did when you wanted to get drugs you would put every effort in to get something I know I did that's for sure. Figure it out, you know when your getting money so don't tell me you don't. Tell the people you love not to lend you money and the reason why( remember now you really want to quit) Stop yourself when you know that you are getting money and you start to come up with b.s reasons of people or bills that you need to pay so that you have enough left to buy drugs with.
I just want you to wake up the next day with the feeling that of power, power of having a little control of your life again.
Play it through, that means the good part too, the rewards remember. You woke up with the money in your pocket, in your bank account or you might of even have bought groceries or paid your rent... THERE IS NEVER ENOUGH DRUGS TO LET YOU LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND MAKE YOU HAPPY BUT THERE IS ENOUGH MONEY TO LET YOU LIVE A NORMAL LIFE AND BE TO BE HAPPY BUT ONLY IF YOU BITE DOWN AND FIGHT. Fight the pain , fight the cravings and be the person you want to be.

GOT A LITTLE EXERCISE FOR YOU

OK here we go. I want you to get a piece of paper and a pen and sit down. Now I want you to think of something that you do that has negative consequences. It can be anything that you are struggling with right now.
OK just sit down and start to write out the day from the beginning and don't forget the feelings that you are experiencing at the time. Write out how the day is going as I did (were talking about the negative part right now) and try to get everything you can remember in there. Write how your feeling at the time and how you feel during, then finish with the consequences.
When I read mine I realized how exhausting it was for me and the chaos that went along with it.
I want you to then write a day without the struggles that you are dealing with. Share the good feelings that you experience, the difference the day is without the chaos and just enjoy it.
I want you to put this in your wallet or purse or where ever and just keep reading it, over and over. It will eventually stay in your head and you will learn to love the good and hate the bad.
The funny thing is that we just kept repeating the same thing over and over again and if we do that for the negative consequences then we can do that for the positive can't we.
We had more practise with the positive anyways because we weren't born that way we just choose to live that way.
So much to live for, share the good part of yourself with the people that care about you.

OH HOW PROUD AM I

Just talked to my close friend that is trying to get off crack, she is 21 days clean today and she has a lot on her plate right now having a husband who she recently left( he is also struggling) and a young son. She told me after I asked her how she was that she was doing great and that she was going to a meeting tonight. Wow is that girl amazing isn't she?
I could hear something in her voice that was a bit off so I asked her again how she was and she replied that she just got off the phone with her husband and that she was pressed for time and that someone was coming to pick her up.
OK now I said to her, then your doing just OK right? and that you are making do but everything is not good. You have to be realistic in recovery, we always think that since someone is not doing drugs anymore that they better answer with they are good or look out.
She just like anyone else, me you, have struggles everyday and we sometimes mask it and pretend that everything is fine. Well that is not life and that is not how we are feeling so voice it.
Today might be going kind of tough for her right now as I know it was for me at an early time in recovery but I had the support of the councillors and she doesn't.
It is just alright and everything isn't good but that doesn't make me think that you are going to go out and use so express your true feelings and be fine with that.
I am a true believer that if we just learn to set boundaries and to express ourselves in a healthy way that we can overcome this addiction and you are an amazing woman.
Keep up the good work and I'm proud of you all (do you mind if I'm a bit proud of myself too)
Just don't worry when the road gets bumpy, eventually it will smooth its self out and you will know that you are on the road to a great life because all the people that you love will be travelling it too.
I love this saying that I heard at a meeting one day and it was.
I just want to be better than I am because I'm better than I was.

ANOTHER DAY CLEAN AND LIFE CAN ONLY GET BETTER

I was asked the other day how long it has been since I saw my children and the answer is 7 plus yrs. I try to contact them to talk or to show them that I am still alive but they don't respond. I am waiting for that day when they finally show up at my door to say that they want a relationship with their dad. I haven't always made the right decisions and I definitely messed up when it came to them. What was I thinking when I continued to do drugs, did I not know that they finally grow up and they would see and hear the obvious. They are the most important people in my life and I don't even know them anymore and I can't do anything about that, or can I? I wake up wondering what they are doing, what they look like, and wanting to let them know that I love them with all my heart.
My day will come with my children again but only if I stay clean, I need to for mine and their sake because if I don't they will never want to see me again.
I am fine with the way things are right now and pray that they will one day forgive me. I will stay clean and my life will get better with the thought of one day being together with my two daughters again.
We made mistakes with our drug use in the past but we can change that and write a new page of happiness for our future. You have to want it and I do, do you?
The road that I am on now goes by their place and hopefully they will get a glance of a father that they thought was gone but I was only away for awhile and now I'm back with more love than a father can have for his children. Another day clean and life can only get better, I believe, do you?

HUMILITY

I use to sit in meetings and they would have topic discussions and ofter humility would come up. I would always be sort of worried that they would ask me to speak when I wasn't sure what I would say on that topic. I am no longer worried but I am very embarrassed.
I was down at a restaurant and I saw a man that had lent me 320 dollars for car insurance, as though that is what I really needed it for. I never did get that insurance.
The next was an old landlord that I went out of my way to bother for money for gas.
The worst is my uncle that I love very much. I saw him down the mall and ran up to him and said hey uncle, the response that I got was as though I just kicked him. I left after a brief talk (all cold and meaningless ) and was quite upset. I thought about why he would treat me like that and wondered what I could have done then all of the sudden it dawned on me, money.
The next time I had a chance I went by his place and knocked on his door, he answered with a little bit of being glad to see me but not as he would normally. I asked him if I owed him some money and he replied yes, and that he was disappointed in me and mad. I didn't owe my uncle all that much money but it was the principle behind it.
You see we get so lost in the drugs that we forget the values of what we were taught and how we were brought up, my uncle just trusted me to pay him back or to at least acknowledge that I owed him money but I forgot because I borrowed from everybody and I couldn't keep track of who I owed money too.
I am so happy that I could pay him back today and I brought him out for breakfast and had a really good talk. I told him the truth about the drugs and he accepted my apology. I have the chance to fix any of the mistakes I made while doing drugs and I never would have if I was still using.
Please won't you give yourself a chance to live your life without the chaos of drugs, for you and your family.
I'll tell you one thing though . The embarrassment I feel when someone tells me that I owe them money now is know where in comparison to the embarrassment I felt when I would go around trying to borrow money off of everyone I know and they work just like I do.
Play your day through.... the chaos of drug use to the serenity of just being you.

PLAYING IT THROUGH?

I often use the phrase, play it through in my writing and I just wanted to explain what that means to me. I was talking to someone that I love very much and she is struggling with addiction herself. I told her that she needs to play the day through in order to help her stay clean for the day. It is a very powerful tool to use when dealing with cravings.
Let me use today as a for instance. OK it is Friday and I have about 200 dollars, I wake up and get ready to go to work but my mind is on drugs, all through the day I am on the phone trying to get the dealer to meet me after work, you see he has a busy schedule. I get off work and meet him and I pick up. I would pick up a 20 or 40 dollar rock of crack cocaine. When I got home I could hardly wait to start on it, that is when the chaos starts.
If my girlfriend wasn't home I would phone her and leave a message to call me because the paranoia is starting. If the phone rings I definitely won't answer it because I would have to talk.
I would bent over looking for something I might have dropped on the floor (this is something that crack addicts do when high ) The crack is now running out so I make that phone call to the dealer but it is traffic hour so he can't come for an hour or so. I start to scrape my pipe to get one toke out of it and keep repeating this until I am smoking metal shavings. The dealer phones and says he is on his way and now I get totally paranoid because my girlfriend is coming home so I keep phoning the both of them to see if they are going to be here at the same time. The dealer finally arrives and I buy another white which is a 40 dollar rock but since he has to come here he charges me 50 dollars ( what a guy ) I run into the living room and take a toke and the paranoia starts all over again. My girlfriend phones and says she is going to a movie because she knows something is up. I sit and keep doing the drugs until it is gone and I am totally messed up the whole time, I run out of the crack and make another phone call the whole time being paranoid, by the end of the night I get a front of 50 dollars if I am lucky( ya right) my girlfriend would get home and would go straight to bed. I would finally finish about 5 am after scraping the pipe.
Now lets play today through. I woke up and thought about the car I just bought and how nice it was going to be to drive into work today without over heating, as I started to get into the town where I work the only thought on my mind is how good the Starbucks coffee is going to taste.
I do my work and it is getting close to the end of the day and I can't wait to get home to walk my dog. We both went to the park and sat their and talked, I am up stairs right now writing this and my girlfriend is painting. We might go out later or just sit in and rent a movie.
I am just relaxed and content and tomorrow I will wake up early and take the dog for a long walk with a Starbucks coffee in my hand and about 198 dollars in my pocket.
Please do me a favor and play your day through and after a thought I bet you know which of the two you want to live through.

ITS ALL UP TO YOU, WITH A LITTLE HELP

I just wanted to tell you a little more about myself and the road that I have been on for the last two years. In order to continue with the company that I work for I had to sign a contract to go to a drug and alcohol counselling company that would monitor my progress and has the power to send me to get tested at any time they wanted. I would have to go to a lab that day and submit a urine sample. If I failed I would lose my job, I have been tested about 10 times through out the 2 yrs. On May 15Th/2007 I had completed my 2 yr contract.
My last meeting with the counsellor was very empowering, he asked me, now that you are done with the contract that the company had on you what do you think is going to stop you from picking up again? I thought about that question for awhile now and it dawned on me that it wasn't the testing or the job that kept me clean it was the love of me and my love of life. There are other jobs out there if I had wanted to continue to live that life of lies and chaos but I don't want that. The life and outcome of a drug addict never changes except for death then there is no hope.
It was great having the support of the counsellor there to talk too and the way they really seemed to care about me as a person.
I have had the chance to use since with no consequences but the guilt I would feel or until I would hit bottom again not to mention letting myself and everyone else I know down.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I know that you really want to quit this messed up life and live again and you can, you really can do it I have faith in you.
We as addicts are very strong determined people and we are survivors so SURVIVE.
Just remember to start to compare the two sides of drugs, using and not using and play it through and that hopefully will keep you on the right path. I hope we can walk awhile together.

JUST GET YOURSELF STARTED

I think the hardest thing for an addict to tackle addiction is to get those first days of clean time under their belt. I am so sad at the amount of people that I know that are using and thinking that it is their secret. I was one of them.
I see these people and see how tired and thin they look and it isn't the look of being skinny it is the look of gaunt, you know what I mean don't you?
I usually ask them if everything is OK and if it isn't that they can talk to me if they want but as I did they deny that there is something wrong and change the subject. I just hope that they can get that first few days of clean time in so that they can start to prepare for the tough but well worth journey they are about to go on. It is important to understand that they are not alone and that if they need help or support then they can go to a meeting somewhere and just ask or tell their story. The people at these meetings will listen without judgement and they are not aloud to respond while you are talking.
I want you to have what I am getting right now. I want you to experience life without the chaos of drugs and see how happy you can be again. Oh God it is so worth it.
You must fight for those first few days but in the long run it will be so good for you. You know that you want this for yourself so get on board and stay clean for a few days when the timing is right.

HAPPY FRIDAY

I don't know what I want to say right now, I just wanted to write.
I was watching Interventions on TV and it was on an alcoholic and the affects the alcoholism has on the children and the rest of the family. It is funny how we as addicts or alcoholics think only of ourselves when using and don't realize the devastation it has on the people around us.
My girlfriend still has the affects of living with a drug addict, she doesn't trust me totally yet. If I was to stay out longer than I said I was going to stay out then she has anxiety attacks on whether I am coming home at all. She would have been crying for hours and it really shows on her face and I feel her pain. We need to think about the others that are affected by our drug use. We need to make things different and to understand that in order to change and grow from where we were we need to look at the destruction we caused and the pain we put our love ones through.
This kind of thinking only reinforces your tool box of things you need to stay clean and sober. They are really important tools so whenever you feel weak and are thinking of using take one of these tools that fit the occasion and fight those cravings, fight for your life.

ITS NOT YOUR FRIEND

What do think is the hardest part for you to stop doing drugs is? I didn't want to stop the drugs I just wanted the chaos to stop. I remember thinking before I went into rehab that I needed to have my last hurrah and how sad I was and going to miss it.
It is like they are two different things the drugs and the chaos, that is something that we need to come to understand, they are the same. Once I got into a facility then that craving seemed to die off and it gave me a chance to reflect a bit on what had been going on in my life.
Once in the winter time I had parked my car in my driveway and it was icy, I heard a knock on the door but since I was doing crack I was so pharnoid I didn"t even move about two hours.
I finally got up when I was out of drugs and coming down and went to the front window only to see that my car had slid down the driveway and was out on a main street, someone had knocked and was trying to let me know this and eventually they slid it off the best they could.
I would also hide my pipe in the sofa and it was extremely hot and it could have caused a fire. I have a hundred stories like these, the point is we think that before we pick up that everything is going to be fine but the truth that once we get high that we are not able to function normally or make the decisions that we should be making that is normal or safe. When I hear a knock on the door now I can't wait to see who it might be because I don't really know anyone around here so who would be knocking. I occasionally leave the oven on and I get pretty mad at myself about that....You see the norm. If you can just think about the differences and play it through then you have a better chance of making it and staying clean.
It is scary quiting and losing your so called best friend or so you think it is your friend. You will so come to realize that it only takes and gives nothing back in return but destruction and pain.
Just get your foot in the door and give it a try. I think you'll see that you were born to be on the path that you are on now, the path to happiness.

LIVING WITH THE TRUTH

I was in full blown addiction when I was told by my sister that she had cancer, I can still remember her saying to me that, I don't want to die Ron and me being in the state I was just sort of shrugged it off. I remember asking God to let my sister live if I would give up drugs, but I never did and my sister died. Forgive me my sister.
The power of the drugs is a test as is life its self.
My other two sisters looked after her in the last part of her life and gave to her the love that only siblings can give. I myself in the last part of her life only visited her maybe twice because I was too busy getting high. Even when she was in the hospital I would leave and go and meet the dealer and get high. This is the pain I live with every day of my life right now. She needed me and I was not to be found.
I am a man of deep emotions and to do this kind of thing to my sister is unforgivable and I will never be able to tell her I'm sorry.
I was looking through a box of old stuff the other day and I came across a birthday card that she had given me, I think that is when I realized that she is here with me and that she does forgive me and that she would want me to write this right now.
I am staying clean because the power of family out weighs the power of drugs. I can deal with what I did to my sister, my children, my niece, and yes my girlfriend but only if I show that they mean enough to me and to beat this drug problem.
We have family that love us without question if we show them the person that they once knew or why not someone better.
Show them what they mean to you and give up the drugs. They put so much of their life into you and now it is time for you to give back and show them what they mean to you.
There is always that guilt and pain I live with every day but to think about how I would be feeling if I was doing drugs would only magnify those feelings two fold.
I want you to weigh the differences to see if it worth it to continue on with this life of drug use and chaos. It will be a fight to get off them but you'll see it is well worth it.

TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Thank you for your comments. I don't know about the ache as you discibed it. When I was in rehab we discussed the different things that went on in my life, from the traumatic to the very sad things. I guess I believed this to be at least part of the reason for my drug use, at least now I can think clearly and instead of trying to deal with past traumatic events I learned to deal with these feelings.
I want these feelings to affect me but in a way now that I can say, well that is too sad or what if I had done this or that. I cannot change the past I can only learn to deal with it and not to numb out my feelings. Drugs only make things worse.
In every example I can think of I think everybody has only repeated the destruction of their lives with the use of drugs and sometimes the outcome was death.
What if I decide to use drugs the next time. Do you think that since I still have a job or a place to stay that everything is going to be alright.
This is how its going to go for me?
I will make that phone call and meet the dealer at our favorite location, of course he'll have missed me. I will grab a twenty rock and get home feeling so guilty, but it is only a one time occasion so what the hell. I will have to be alone because my girlfriend will know that something is up. I will do it and be I will be a freak show to watch. OK maybe I'll call him up again and buy just a little more since this is only a one time thing.
A short time later in the year my parents overheard old friends of mine saying that they heard that they found Ron dead of an overdose in the family room of his house and that it was probably a heart attack. Too bad.
Or I can go on the route that I am on now and deal with my feelings by talking or working out or going to a meeting and I will live a good life, maybe even a great life, heck why not.
I only want to be better than I am because I'm better than I was.
Its not all that complicated once you get started so jump aboard and give it a try, don't forget.
Think it through before you start. I believe in you.

I BELIEVE IN YOU

I have been trying to help another person that I know that is addicted to crack cocaine. He was in the rehab centre with me but slipped after we got out and continued to use. It has been over 2 years now and he is hitting bottom again. It seems to me that we were never that far away from the bottom to begin with after relapsing. My friend is an incredible person when he is straight, he has a fantastic job and can make a ton of money when he works. He has other tickets to allow him chose to do other jobs too.
He owned a home, had people in his life that he cared deeply for. He travelled, had a nice car and was able to buy things that he wanted.
Today he is homeless. He has spent everything he has on drugs and the funny thing is that we know that we need to pay our rent, bills and buy food but the mind is only interested in getting the drugs.
He is now at bottom and he has a chance to rebound.
I want you to think about being without drugs for a time. Is it as bad as being so hungry, so cold, so lonely. I went through rehab twice and personally I thought it was a blessing. They gave me a warm place to stay, a bed , food galore and councelling. It was my start and I wanted to be there. You have to weigh the differences, compare and keep comparing whenever you feel weak. Food or no food, a place to live or the streets, a family that wants you in their lives or one that wants to know what you want now. Play it through.
Pick a route with no chaos and you will find yourself on the road to recovery. You know that you want this for yourself so get started.
We can controll what we think it just takes a little practise to start thinking what is healthy for us and stay on the path, a path that will be full of rewards. My friends you can do it. I believe in you.

LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN

I was going downtown Vancouver the other day and saw so many loss souls just like I use to be. I had forgotten what it was like to live a normal day without the chaos of drugs. Some of the people looked so sad and it made me sick to my stomach.
If only we could wave a magic wand and give them a clean start for lets say 1 year and let them feel what it is like to wake up with the only thought on their mind is what they were going to have for breakfast.
There is no magic wand but there is will power and determination and my friends you have a never ending supply of that. Ask yourself if you want this for yourself, do you?
Step back and look closely at the way you are living and make your decision. You deserve to live again, to live a life with love and family, you know they miss you don't you?
I promise that things will get better for you, that you will grow into a better person than you already are.
I want to tell you this though, it isn't easy and it isn't always roses. I am going through some sort of depression now but I am still 1000 times happier than I was.
Learn to live again, Learn to love yourself, Learn that you are a valuable person to this planet and to the people that love you.
SHOW YOUR REAL SELF AND SHINE.

THE REWARD IS SELF RESPECT

I got paid today. Usually this is just payday but for some reason I got the urge to shop.
When I got to the shopping mall and started to look for a pair of shorts, well I tell you, there were so many cloths. I wanted to buy just about everything that caught my attention. I thought to myself I can't afford this but then I realized that I would spend a thousand dollars on drugs in a few days so why not buy myself something. I walked out of there with sandals, 3 pairs of shorts, 3 shirts and some bones for my dog.
I haven't felt that good in a long time, it is so empowering to be able to do that for myself and I only spent 100 dollars. This is my reward and I missed this, just to be able to get for myself the everyday essentials and I feel so good in my new cloths.
This is something that you deserve for yourself too and you can do it if you play it through, remember what the comparison is, having money for everyday living vs having no money at all, not even for something to eat. This will be your reward too and you will have the power of your life back again, no chaos just life and what you make of it.
Life isn't always roses for me but at least I am working with a mind that I am in control of not the drugs. The rewards are starting to come in now with a little hard work.

THE MORE YOU TRY THE BETTER YOU GET AT IT

For those of you that are trying to get off drugs and are having such a hard time don't give up.
Keep telling yourself this time I'm going to do it. Learn from your past mistakes and don't forget the ones that keep repeating themselves every time.
We tend to forget the parts where we're broke , hungry , embarrassed , and partly suicidal , only out of dis pare that we think that we just can't do it. Yes You Can, just play all the bullshit through.
Me for example, hm mm let me think, I would look around the house through all the girlfriends purses looking for spare change. I would be on the phone to everyone I could think of after being turned down by my family and close friends. Sometimes I would sound like a whining fool asking that piece of sh-- dealer for a front.
One time I drove all over the city looking for someone to cash a GST check for me, money mart wouldn't because I already screwed them around.
This is only a portion of what goes on that I can think of off my head but do you get what I'm trying to get through to you.
When its about drugs its nothing but chaos. Thinking the whole day and night about drugs.
Now its time to think it through.
Think about you and what you can do when you put your mind to it and stick to it.
You have to do it hour by hour but stick to it.
You can do it I know you can. You have proven your a survivor of a lot worse and if you succeed, which I know you can then the rewards will be given to you in a way that you've never imagined.
YOU CAN DO IT, say it to yourself and feel that sense of pride and life. You will get your life back again.
Practise makes perfect, so don't get down get going and win your life back.

IT IS WITH GREAT SADNESS

I was lucky enough that I didn't kill myself doing drugs. I was down town trying to score one time and this guy was going to stab me for not picking him to buy off of.
The amount of crap that went into my system, my mouth bleeding profusely, no sleep, no water, sucking back the toxins from the plastic pipe. I can remember my heart beating so fast I could feel it pumping away when I was trying to pretend I could sleep, of course my girlfriend was lying next to me. What a joke I was.
I am lucky to be alive right now and you are too.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to read your own obituary?, I have.
I know that they would sugar coat it and make people wonder what the cause of me dying was but I know that rumour spreads quickly so people would find out anyways.
Could you Imagine my daughters hearing that their dad died from a crack overdose, Or my parents or siblings having to cover it up.
I have truthfully buried 3 people this year, people who were once popular but for some reason chose the wrong road and eventually their bodies just couldn't take the abuse anymore.
Let me tell you a little something about these people. They all had there own special qualities that I remember. The girl was so beautiful, inside and out. She loved to joke around a lot, she loved her three children very much. The guys were both leaders who everyone I knew respected them. They were great athletes and treated everyone good.
Now what do you think people remember about them after they hear about their overdoses, do you think they thought of the people they use to remember or the ones they had been hearing things about.
I choose to live. I choose to fight. I choose to become the person I know I can be.
Do you think about death? how many people would actually care if we died. I would like to think alot of people would care but I choose to die from natural causes not from drugs.
I am not alive today from some miracle. I am alive from just being truthful about who I am and what I am.
I choose life, not the life of a drug addict.
We write the story of our life from birth to adulthood, take a chance and rewrite the parts that you don't like. It can be a wonderful life if you choose to live it clean.

THE REWARD IS THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE YOU

I went to my parents today to grab some garbage that my father forgot to put out for the garbage day. When I got there they were just getting up and we discussed the water leak that he has under his house. I asked some friends of mine that were plumbers to look at it and give an appraisal. What a deal it was too.
The day before I helped my mother re schedule an appointment for the doctors and also took some branches away for them.
Today I was talking to them about pensions and what kind I will have when I will be 65.
I brought my father out a short while ago and bought him some running shoes, just because I could.
I bring them to the casino, bring them my home afterwards and order Chinese food and then take them home.
My father today got up out of his chair and walked up to me, he put his arms around me and told me he was so proud of me and that he knew I could do it.
My father does not do that out of the blue very often. He loves me and he missed me.
I go and take care of them now, that's the difference.
I want you to think of what you do for your loved ones while in active use.
I would sponge money like there was no tomorrow. I never went by for anything else but to get something. I would not have a gift for any occasion but I would tell them my woes, who cares how they are. It was all about me.
I am the son of two wonderful parents and today I was given the respect of feeling like my parents were really genuinely glad to see me.
I am slowly becoming the man that I want to be. My strength is the love that I have behind me.

I HOPE THIS CAN HELP

To those of you that are new to this sight and have a loved one that is addicted to some kind of drug let me see if I can give you a better picture of what you might be up against.
For me crack cocaine totally engulfed my life, My whole day was nothing but trying to figure out how, when, and how soon I was going to be able to do my drug of choice.
I would just be so irritable when I didn't have anything and especially when I was broke.
I was a different person if I knew that I was going to be able to buy some crack, I was happy, you could talk to me and I would be a bundle of energy.
From the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to when I close them at night ( if I closed them at all if I was using ) Was all about drugs, nothing else mattered.
To be wanting drugs and to be on drugs is two totally different things. The mind works at trying to figure out how to get money, who I can borrow off of, If I can convince the dealer to front me until payday, it is constantly thinking about scoring drugs.
Now when we I used it would turn to total paranoia, any sound, shadow , phone call, knock on the door would just freak me out.
I hate doing drugs but the addiction makes you crave and forget how much you really hate being high. I only mentioned a tenth of what crap goes along with using.
We need to be in a safe place to get enough clean time to get a start, from there it is up to us to stay and use the tools the centers hopefully taught us to stay clean with.
If you were to ask me when I had 20 dollars in my pocket if I wanted to go to re hab I would have said no. I would have been on the phone to the little creep dealers to bring me some crack.
You have to know how powerful the drug is, it is not that we didn't want to quit it is getting that head start to have a chance to do it.

A LITTLE LOVE AND TENDERNESS

I was at a meeting about 6 months ago and saw an old neighborhood friend that was trying to get off alcohol and crack. I talked to her for awhile and told her that I was in a treatment centre for crack addiction also, man was she surprised. I gave her a card that I grabbed from the centre and told her the positive side of going and how it helped me.
Well a few months passed and I never saw her at the meetings anymore. The treatment centre that I went to has alumni meetings and I had not gone to one in a long time and decided to go that day. I started to walk down the street to the centre and low and behold there she was, we talked and It turned out she just got out the week before. My god did she look happy, I hadn't seen her since then but I knew where she worked so I decided to look in on her and there she was with a smile so big and bright and she looked so proud to see me. She told me it was her birthday and then said not its not really her birthday but close meaning that she is celebrating months of clean time, saying it that way because she is at work.
She asked me what I was doing there and I replied that I came to see her.
When I was leaving her building there was a woman who was obvious to me that she was addicted to some kind of substance. I went and sat down beside her and asked her some straight forward questions and quickly told her I was a recovering crack addict. I asked her about her drug of choice and she said it was crystal meth. I asked her if she had ever been in a treatment centre and that it was really a good place to go and get clean. I guess what I am getting at is if we just try and show that we care, listen without judgement then I think we can have a chance to bring some of our fellow human beings back. I don't know if she will go to treatment but I like to believe that I planted a seed that just might grow, I hope so because there is a beautiful flower waiting to bloom it just needs a little love and tenderness until it can stand on its own.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE

I am working on grounding myself right now. It is not always an easy existence in this world, things go wrong and it seems if I didn't have bad luck then I would have no luck at all.
I am quick to attack others in a verbal confrontation, my road rage is out of control and I respond back to my girlfriend like she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about.
Why I am like this at this time of the week I don't know. Sometimes things just seem harder and life isn't that easy or so I think.
I have options to what I'm going to do and how I'm going to handle these feelings and it's not going to be picking up either.
You see life is always going to deal you a bad hand now and then but its up to us, and I mean addicts to handle what comes our way in a safe manner.
I don't like today and maybe tomorrow will be the same but if I pick up then I can guarantee that it will be rotten.
We can deal with these feelings better if we just come to the realization that everyone and I mean everyone has bad days too.
We as addicts just chose to handle them in a way that was adding to the problems and that isn't going to work for us. Sit through the bad times, they will end and we'll see that they weren't that serious anyways.
Don't let a few bad days dictate what the next few months are going to be like. I am not going to numb myself. I am going to deal with these feelings and move on to a better life and so can you.
You and I can deal with the hardships of life without using we just have to play it through.

NO BETTER TIME THAN TODAY

Good morning. I hope that last night and this morning was a clean restful time for you.
I was thinking what a great day it would be for you to start your journey to the life that you want to live. Life sure misses you and I'm sure all the people that love you and miss you will be there to cheer you on too.
I can't help but think of the time I was going to start my journey but I always got side tracked or romanced into the using again. The funny thing is whenever I was going to use I would think that something was going to be different, the outcome I guess is what I mean, It never was.
I can tell you my day of using in detail like I am watching a movie and it isn't a good movie either, more like self destruction. Think it through for yourself and your day of using, chaotic no doubt.
Everyone I know who is still actively using is in the same predicament or worse, they can't seem fight the cravings so they continue to use but I know they want to quit.
One day, today, why not try and see if you can do it, you have the power to pick up the phone anytime you want, well don't you?.
Make some phone calls to people who care or talk to people that would love to hear from you, let them know that you are alive and well.
Your a fighter and your fighting for your life. Just think of what we accomplished while using, nothing but chaos but a day of being clean is a lot more calm.
The cravings will hit you I have no doubt but hang in there and It will only last a short while, compare the two, clean vs using, Play it through.
Come on I know you can do it, just try, your rewards will be so good.
Wow what a journey you are about to go on, it starts off a little rough at first but the road gets easier along the way, I'll be waiting at a cross road for you and maybe we can walk awhile together.
Your life is so valuable to everyone that loves and misses you, this journey will bring you back to them.

TELL SOMEONE THOSE LIES THAT KEEP US USING

I think in order to really be able to quit I needed to tell my love one the little secrets that I used in order to keep using, the constant lies of money, where I had been for hours on end, bills or people I owed money too (that was all made up so I would have more to use on payday) or just the way I would start arguments in order to have more time alone.
I told my girlfriend all these things that I did to get high and what I did when I was high, I even told her if she ever wanted to tell if I was high was to ask me to fool around, you see I had no interest in sex while I was high, and sometimes she would use that and confront me on it right away.
I made it harder for me to use in our home and for that matter anywhere else. At the time I didn't really like it but it was something I obviously wanted to do or I wouldn't have.
I would go to my parents and borrow money for gas to get to work( ya right ) and go straight to the dealers on the way home with an empty tank of gas, I tell my parents these things now and they just shake their heads in disbelief and I bow mine in embarrassment.
I didn't want to use anymore and I hated those lies that I would get caught in when I started to forget what I lied about the last time.
It is the hardest thing to do to let someone know these dark secrets but if you really want to quit you should tell all. It isn't going to be easy, it really wasn't but you know that it is for the best.
We were brought up to tell the truth and it makes life so much easier.
Life is hard enough without complicating it with the lies that go along with drug addiction, tell the truth and be free to tell your story of recovery, I'll be waiting in anticipation.
Please give it a chance.

ALWAYS KEEP YOUR GUARD UP

I just realized this morning that it is 2 yrs today that I am clean.
I wanted to tell you this because it is so important that we know that we can never let our guard down, just this morning I was thinking how nice it would be to get some crack, I could actually taste it and was starting to get excited about it.
This thought pattern only lasted about a couple of minutes but don't you think it is unbelievable that I would be thinking this way, it sure is for me, two years , two months, two days , the possibility is always there but I have an arsenal of tools to fight with now.
I am not at this moment on the floor looking for something that I might have dropped. I am not staring at the shadows on the wall thinking someone is going past my window. I am not getting up to stare out the front window over and over and over again. I am at this moment doing something that I am beginning to love and soon I will be taking my dog to the park and I know this wouldn't be happening if I was getting high.
You have things you would rather be doing too, find them and take in every moment of a clean life, compare it in a safe manner to what you would be doing if you were to be getting high, don't you just love yourself being clean, isn't it great?.
Fight for that feeling, load up that arsenal of tools that you'll be needing to stay clean and do it, please just give yourself a chance and you'll see that you are worth it to yourself and everyone that loves you and that misses you.
We were not who we appeared to be on drugs now show your real self and shine.

THANKYOU FOR STANDING BY ME

I've been asked so many times in the past 2 yrs how I've managed to stay clean, after a lot of thought I've come to the conclusion that I've gotten to where I am today by having people around me who love me.
When I was in a facility I was asked to invite people in for a day of counselling and to have them tell me how my using was affecting them, I invited my Father, Mother and Sister and I had asked my Nephew and Niece to write how my drug use was affecting them.
To this day I still think about the response I got from everyone, you see when your using life only circles around you and you don't really think of anyone else. I still remember my brother in law coming to visit me in the rehab center and I think he was so embarrassed and so was I.
My success to this day and only for today is an accumulation of the people that were in my life from the beginning and up to today, they are the ones that keep me strong and let me know that they care and are behind me all the way. Today their are more people in my life that I meet because I am living a clean life and they are the people that I interact with on a sometimes daily bases, from the people that I meet at the park with our dogs or more importantly the people at work who know my past to the people now that I share my life with like my teachers who don't judge me but are there as friend, new friends that I thank from the bottom of my heart for accepting me for what they see.
The answer to that question of how I stay clean is far more complicated than just a, well this is how I did it, It is all of you and a lot of me that keeps me going each day.

I couldn't see throught the smoke

No matter how bad my life got I just didn't see the damage the drugs were doing, it was so obvious to everyone around me, but I just couldn't see it, or maybe I just didn't want to.
I would continue to use after a big fight with my girlfriend even though the out come was going to be my living homeless, possibly jobless and definitely no money.
I was so engulfed with my addiction and how I was going to get my next high that everything else was meaningless, I have lost my children because I was too busy with my drug problem that I just didn't call them any more and I didn't care, at least at that time I didn't.
I suffer every day with the thoughts of them, wondering what their doing, how big they are now, or just what they look like. You see its been 7 yrs since I last seen them, is that unbelievable or what?. They just don't want anything to do with me, its like they have their own things to do and that they just don't care, sound familiar?.
Why did it have to take this long to realize that the outcome of my use was going take my children away from me, why couldn't I just see this, I do now if that counts for anything.
I want you to read this and know that there is a chance that you can change the outcome of the future if you want it bad enough, well do you?.
It is all of us who through this life of drugs are giving up things that are not only possession but are people we love and care about, that at one point in our lives we would give our life for without any hesitation.
Now go ahead and cry, feel sorry for yourself and don't forget that sad story about how bad life was for you growing up, OK now, did you get that out?.
Do you really think that you can quit this on your own? well do you?
I needed to get help, no matter how it was going to affect my life.
I had to go into my employer and tell them that I had drug problems, ask them for a leave of absence and then get them to understand, sound difficult, well if you read my whole blog then you would know that I went to rehab twice and I then had to face all my other co-workers again.
Please give in to whatever is keeping you from quitting, there are people out there who want and need you, young and old and they need your guidance and love.

MY DECISION AND ONLY MINE

I often sit and wonder if my father and mother feel any guilt from one of their children becoming an addict, this thought crossed my mind because I am involved with other parents of sons and daughters I know that are using and they seem to be somewhat filled with guilt themselves.
Do my parents think they are responsible in some way like these other parents do, I think it is time to ask them and let them know that they were only responsible for me when I was a child.
I alone chose to do drugs in my adulthood, it had nothing to do with them.
I was living a relatively good life, had a steady job, was in a good relationship with a woman that I felt so lucky to have met but I still chose to use drugs.
There wasn't anyone there holding a gun to my head telling me to use, after the first time in rehab you would think that would have cured me in a manner of speaking, but no I went out again within a few months.
It was my choice and mine only, it was my willingness to try any drugs that came my way, it was the crack and how addictive it was that kept me using over and over.
I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, I would have to be insane still if I believed it was anybody else's fault but my own.
I am in charge of my life and I made the decisions to get me to where I am today.
Yesterday wasn't that great.....Today was not to bad.......Tomorrow will be even better if I make the right choices, choices that my parents taught me.

TAKE BACK WHAT YOU GAVE AWAY

Just got back from a walk with my dog, wow what a different life I lead now.
I use to weight train, run 10 km races, play soccer and was eager to do whatever came my way then I got caught up in the life of addiction, nothing else mattered and slowly my life changed from health to unhealthy.
I think to recover from something so life changing as drug addiction you have to get active again, start doing the things that you use to enjoy and find new ones. I was lucky enough to have a brother in-law that asked me to play ice hockey with his team and that was something I had never done, oh my god what a blast.
MY sister is another great support for me in as she likes to stay fit and walk so we have done that a couple of times which not only gets me the exercise that I need but the social side of it is something that is very special too.
Get back into the life that we lived before the addiction took over and jump at any chance you can to do new things too, it is what we need to keep clean and it will hopefully become something that you won't want to let go of again.

THE TRUTH, NOW WHAT?

When I first started to tell the truth about what was going on in my life and why I was losing so much weight, missing so much work, etc. etc., I think it was a time for me to step up.
I am thinking back right now and I needed to fix this for myself, I needed to find the remedy for my problem and it sure wasn't easy. I always came up with an excuse to use again but deep down I wanted to quit that's why I started to open up.
I can still remember my better half telling me to wake up early and call people and places like the detox and rehab centre's to get it started but I had used the night before so I would sleep in so it was a fight again.
I always wanted the help, but the addiction is so powerful that I needed support.
I think that the best thing for me is the love and understanding that is needed once someone confesses, don't get me wrong, there is a difference between that and using someone to continue on with the addiction.
give support, give love and direction, I was one that needed that to step up and think that I was worth it to myself and these people, give advice and try to give someone you know the power to tell you how they are feeling about the drugs and their use.
It may be clouded over by their use again but if you are there for them then maybe it is what they needed to get them started, don't pretend everything is alright because you don't want to cause waves, get in their head and let them know that you are there to listen and to support them but only if they are going to help themselves.
Okay here I am pussy footing around myself.
Let them know that you know the truth no matter how much b.s they keep giving you.
Push the facts at them. It is pretty obvious to you and everyone else that something is wrong.
It is the love that we feel for our loved ones that keeps us from saying what we want.
What do you want? you know but you keep dancing around the truth and when you leave that person you feel like crap, well don't you?
We never liked living the life of an addict, we were caught in a life with a tunnel with no light at the end of it. Be that light if only dim at the beginning but if one comes in the direction then become brighter and show them you are there.
I am not the answer to anyone who is suffering from addiction or the answer for someone that knows a person. I am only putting down my thoughts in hopes that it may help.
Why would we say something to someone we didn't know who was hurting us but to the ones we love we don't, think about it?
I stopped pussy footing around, just said what was on my mind and I finally got some kind of reaction, it was tears and a face that was filled with sorrow, mostly because of the drugs but those tears were real and the pain I felt.
Sometimes we have to hurt the people we love to let them know how much we love them.

THIS TIME IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT

When I went to a drug facility the first time I thought I was serious about quitting until of course I got out, It didn't take long for me to start to preplan my relapse. First I started to romance my thoughts with how I missed the feeling of being high, next I would think how I would be able to try it just once for old time sake and then that would be it, oh how those thoughts romanced me.
I made a phone call from work one day and the dealer was all to happy to bring me something, he asked me where I had been and was in dis-belief that I was in a centre, Ya sure.
This loser didn't care about me at all and the only thing that he cared about was the money in my pocket,(he would take the last bit of change that was for your kids to eat with) I continued to buy crack every day from that time on but of course I was in control.
I actually thought that I was in control of my drug use but it was the opposite, it was in control of me, the romance won over.
The next time was going to be different and it was, I want to use again, my romantic thinking is telling me this exact second but I know I can't. I am at this moment countering the thoughts that will stop me from reaching for the phone and getting crack delivered, right now, really.
I learned allot from my past and I want to live my life or at least tonight drug free.
I will not make that phone call, I don't want to be paranoid all night, I want to sleep tonight because I have to work tomorrow, I need my money to live on for the next two weeks, I want to live,
This time is going to be different and it can be for you, play it through.

TRUTH CAN GIVE YOU FREEDOM

When I finally started to tell the truth about my addiction and the lies that went along with it I felt a change in me. It is a liberating feeling to let go of all the lies that one creates to be able to continue with drug use. The part that really surprises me now is that it was pretty obvious that I was lying but I believed I was fooling people that cared about me and the ones that didn't they wouldn't dare call me on any of my b.s.
I know someone that I love very much who is going through with the struggles of staying clean and so far they are losing the battle, until last week I wasn't sure what to do or how to help but all of the sudden they are starting to tell me the truth to the questions that I am asking, I can see that telling me the truth is something that is giving them power because it is given from the need for help, it is the start of saying to ones self that I want help and that I don't want to keep up with these lies any more.
I have been given the trust of this person, it must have been so hard to finally let go of the bull and tell me all those dirty secrets which are so embarrassing.
The truth that we all know is somehow warped by the addiction, the brain chemistry has been altered and to reverse this we need to stay clean.
Now that we have a trust between us we can hopefully start at finding a way to get on the road to recovery.
The truth shall set you free or a least its a start to a life that you really want to live.

JUST FOR TODAY

Just for today works when the cravings or thoughts come into your mind, I found that I would put the Just into hours at the beginning of my quitting so that I was able to cope, So break it down to where it is helpful to you, days, hours, minutes and hang in there, don't give in, you know that if you do the same results will happen and they never change, they are always bad.
keep using that saying and always have it ready to use when the cravings are the worst and you'll see that you can stay away from drugs and that you are in control of your mind and what you choose to do.
Remember, you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to quit and you can if you fill your tool box with enough mind reinforcements to say no, Just for today.

THE ROMANCE OF DRUG ADDICTION

If I think about the relationship that I had with crack cocaine and how hard it was to stop, was the result of the romance that I had created in my mind with the drug. As the addiction to crack progressed and each time things got worse as in missing work, spending all the money I had to live on until the next payday, and especially the hardship it put on my relationship with my girlfriend of 13 yrs I just couldn't say no to using.
No matter how severe the outcome of my last use was I would conjure up some wonderful feeling in my mind how good it was going to be to get high again even though I knew that I was going to be completely paranoid or sick, possibly bleeding from my mouth which would happen quite often.
It is hard for people to understand this theory, but for those of us who have or are living this nightmare it makes sense.
I have found my best defense to this thinking is to have a counter thought for every romantic thought I have about crack. I often think that I can buy just a $20.00 rock and that will be enough for the night but It won't, a thousand isn't enough, I would still be doing it days later with no sleep or food until all my money was gone, and since I was doing drugs for days on end my relationship, work, finances and health is affected.
The mind is a powerful tool but since it is my tool I choose to use it in a way that is productive not destructive.

WHO'S LIFE IS IT ANYWAYS?

Good Morning
Just a thought for the day, I try and relate my past with drugs with my life today and I come to the realization that my life wasn't my own back in my using days.
I remember never being able to plan things that would be classified as normal because my whole life circled around drugs, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to when I closed them at night was all about drugs.
It is so hard to live a life of using and to function normally, even at work I would be planning how to get some so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic home, you see if I got caught in traffic then that would interfer with my using.
Family functions would be almost impossible to plan because I just wasn't reliable, I would miss things that were unforgiveable like my nieces wedding, or my sister in-laws 40 th birthday, my parents functions or the loss of my children for the last 7 yrs.
I have made ammends for some of these things but the truth is that I don't forgive myself, I can't get those times back no matter how many times I am told it is ok.
Don't get me wrong, this is part of my recovery and I am not happy about my decisions back then but I have the power of my life back now to understand and be in control of my decisions.
Its my life now and I will never give it away again, Fight for your life and it will be yours to make the right decisions that will define who you are and to live the life you always knew you were born to live, a clean life free of drugs from there anything is possible.

INTRODUCTION TO MY USING

Hello, for those who know me and to those who don't my name name is Ron and I am a 46yr old man who is also a recovering drug addict of crack cocaine, On the 13 day of May 2007 I will be 2 yrs clean.
I was introduced to smoking pot at the early age of 13 and just fell in love with it, as I did with any other drug that was put in front of me. I guess thinking back I can see how I became so addicted to something so powerful as crack when I had no fear of trying any substances.
At around 21 I was introduced to free baseing cocaine and that was something that I really had trouble controlling but for some reason I broke away from that,
Crack now a days is different from then because it has so many more additives to it that are addictive.
I tried some around 35 yrs of age and just lost controll, my whole life changed for the worst and I went on for years trying to escape the hold that it had on me.