If I think about the relationship that I had with crack cocaine and how hard it was to stop, was the result of the romance that I had created in my mind with the drug. As the addiction to crack progressed and each time things got worse as in missing work, spending all the money I had to live on until the next payday, and especially the hardship it put on my relationship with my girlfriend of 13 yrs I just couldn't say no to using.
No matter how severe the outcome of my last use was I would conjure up some wonderful feeling in my mind how good it was going to be to get high again even though I knew that I was going to be completely paranoid or sick, possibly bleeding from my mouth which would happen quite often.
It is hard for people to understand this theory, but for those of us who have or are living this nightmare it makes sense.
I have found my best defense to this thinking is to have a counter thought for every romantic thought I have about crack. I often think that I can buy just a $20.00 rock and that will be enough for the night but It won't, a thousand isn't enough, I would still be doing it days later with no sleep or food until all my money was gone, and since I was doing drugs for days on end my relationship, work, finances and health is affected.
The mind is a powerful tool but since it is my tool I choose to use it in a way that is productive not destructive.
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