TO BE OR NOT TO BE

Thank you for your comments. I don't know about the ache as you discibed it. When I was in rehab we discussed the different things that went on in my life, from the traumatic to the very sad things. I guess I believed this to be at least part of the reason for my drug use, at least now I can think clearly and instead of trying to deal with past traumatic events I learned to deal with these feelings.
I want these feelings to affect me but in a way now that I can say, well that is too sad or what if I had done this or that. I cannot change the past I can only learn to deal with it and not to numb out my feelings. Drugs only make things worse.
In every example I can think of I think everybody has only repeated the destruction of their lives with the use of drugs and sometimes the outcome was death.
What if I decide to use drugs the next time. Do you think that since I still have a job or a place to stay that everything is going to be alright.
This is how its going to go for me?
I will make that phone call and meet the dealer at our favorite location, of course he'll have missed me. I will grab a twenty rock and get home feeling so guilty, but it is only a one time occasion so what the hell. I will have to be alone because my girlfriend will know that something is up. I will do it and be I will be a freak show to watch. OK maybe I'll call him up again and buy just a little more since this is only a one time thing.
A short time later in the year my parents overheard old friends of mine saying that they heard that they found Ron dead of an overdose in the family room of his house and that it was probably a heart attack. Too bad.
Or I can go on the route that I am on now and deal with my feelings by talking or working out or going to a meeting and I will live a good life, maybe even a great life, heck why not.
I only want to be better than I am because I'm better than I was.
Its not all that complicated once you get started so jump aboard and give it a try, don't forget.
Think it through before you start. I believe in you.