I often sit and wonder if my father and mother feel any guilt from one of their children becoming an addict, this thought crossed my mind because I am involved with other parents of sons and daughters I know that are using and they seem to be somewhat filled with guilt themselves.
Do my parents think they are responsible in some way like these other parents do, I think it is time to ask them and let them know that they were only responsible for me when I was a child.
I alone chose to do drugs in my adulthood, it had nothing to do with them.
I was living a relatively good life, had a steady job, was in a good relationship with a woman that I felt so lucky to have met but I still chose to use drugs.
There wasn't anyone there holding a gun to my head telling me to use, after the first time in rehab you would think that would have cured me in a manner of speaking, but no I went out again within a few months.
It was my choice and mine only, it was my willingness to try any drugs that came my way, it was the crack and how addictive it was that kept me using over and over.
I came to believe a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity, I would have to be insane still if I believed it was anybody else's fault but my own.
I am in charge of my life and I made the decisions to get me to where I am today.
Yesterday wasn't that great.....Today was not to bad.......Tomorrow will be even better if I make the right choices, choices that my parents taught me.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
TAKE BACK WHAT YOU GAVE AWAY
Just got back from a walk with my dog, wow what a different life I lead now.
I use to weight train, run 10 km races, play soccer and was eager to do whatever came my way then I got caught up in the life of addiction, nothing else mattered and slowly my life changed from health to unhealthy.
I think to recover from something so life changing as drug addiction you have to get active again, start doing the things that you use to enjoy and find new ones. I was lucky enough to have a brother in-law that asked me to play ice hockey with his team and that was something I had never done, oh my god what a blast.
MY sister is another great support for me in as she likes to stay fit and walk so we have done that a couple of times which not only gets me the exercise that I need but the social side of it is something that is very special too.
Get back into the life that we lived before the addiction took over and jump at any chance you can to do new things too, it is what we need to keep clean and it will hopefully become something that you won't want to let go of again.
I use to weight train, run 10 km races, play soccer and was eager to do whatever came my way then I got caught up in the life of addiction, nothing else mattered and slowly my life changed from health to unhealthy.
I think to recover from something so life changing as drug addiction you have to get active again, start doing the things that you use to enjoy and find new ones. I was lucky enough to have a brother in-law that asked me to play ice hockey with his team and that was something I had never done, oh my god what a blast.
MY sister is another great support for me in as she likes to stay fit and walk so we have done that a couple of times which not only gets me the exercise that I need but the social side of it is something that is very special too.
Get back into the life that we lived before the addiction took over and jump at any chance you can to do new things too, it is what we need to keep clean and it will hopefully become something that you won't want to let go of again.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
THE TRUTH, NOW WHAT?
When I first started to tell the truth about what was going on in my life and why I was losing so much weight, missing so much work, etc. etc., I think it was a time for me to step up.
I am thinking back right now and I needed to fix this for myself, I needed to find the remedy for my problem and it sure wasn't easy. I always came up with an excuse to use again but deep down I wanted to quit that's why I started to open up.
I can still remember my better half telling me to wake up early and call people and places like the detox and rehab centre's to get it started but I had used the night before so I would sleep in so it was a fight again.
I always wanted the help, but the addiction is so powerful that I needed support.
I think that the best thing for me is the love and understanding that is needed once someone confesses, don't get me wrong, there is a difference between that and using someone to continue on with the addiction.
give support, give love and direction, I was one that needed that to step up and think that I was worth it to myself and these people, give advice and try to give someone you know the power to tell you how they are feeling about the drugs and their use.
It may be clouded over by their use again but if you are there for them then maybe it is what they needed to get them started, don't pretend everything is alright because you don't want to cause waves, get in their head and let them know that you are there to listen and to support them but only if they are going to help themselves.
Okay here I am pussy footing around myself.
Let them know that you know the truth no matter how much b.s they keep giving you.
Push the facts at them. It is pretty obvious to you and everyone else that something is wrong.
It is the love that we feel for our loved ones that keeps us from saying what we want.
What do you want? you know but you keep dancing around the truth and when you leave that person you feel like crap, well don't you?
We never liked living the life of an addict, we were caught in a life with a tunnel with no light at the end of it. Be that light if only dim at the beginning but if one comes in the direction then become brighter and show them you are there.
I am not the answer to anyone who is suffering from addiction or the answer for someone that knows a person. I am only putting down my thoughts in hopes that it may help.
Why would we say something to someone we didn't know who was hurting us but to the ones we love we don't, think about it?
I stopped pussy footing around, just said what was on my mind and I finally got some kind of reaction, it was tears and a face that was filled with sorrow, mostly because of the drugs but those tears were real and the pain I felt.
Sometimes we have to hurt the people we love to let them know how much we love them.
I am thinking back right now and I needed to fix this for myself, I needed to find the remedy for my problem and it sure wasn't easy. I always came up with an excuse to use again but deep down I wanted to quit that's why I started to open up.
I can still remember my better half telling me to wake up early and call people and places like the detox and rehab centre's to get it started but I had used the night before so I would sleep in so it was a fight again.
I always wanted the help, but the addiction is so powerful that I needed support.
I think that the best thing for me is the love and understanding that is needed once someone confesses, don't get me wrong, there is a difference between that and using someone to continue on with the addiction.
give support, give love and direction, I was one that needed that to step up and think that I was worth it to myself and these people, give advice and try to give someone you know the power to tell you how they are feeling about the drugs and their use.
It may be clouded over by their use again but if you are there for them then maybe it is what they needed to get them started, don't pretend everything is alright because you don't want to cause waves, get in their head and let them know that you are there to listen and to support them but only if they are going to help themselves.
Okay here I am pussy footing around myself.
Let them know that you know the truth no matter how much b.s they keep giving you.
Push the facts at them. It is pretty obvious to you and everyone else that something is wrong.
It is the love that we feel for our loved ones that keeps us from saying what we want.
What do you want? you know but you keep dancing around the truth and when you leave that person you feel like crap, well don't you?
We never liked living the life of an addict, we were caught in a life with a tunnel with no light at the end of it. Be that light if only dim at the beginning but if one comes in the direction then become brighter and show them you are there.
I am not the answer to anyone who is suffering from addiction or the answer for someone that knows a person. I am only putting down my thoughts in hopes that it may help.
Why would we say something to someone we didn't know who was hurting us but to the ones we love we don't, think about it?
I stopped pussy footing around, just said what was on my mind and I finally got some kind of reaction, it was tears and a face that was filled with sorrow, mostly because of the drugs but those tears were real and the pain I felt.
Sometimes we have to hurt the people we love to let them know how much we love them.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
THIS TIME IS GOING TO BE DIFFERENT
When I went to a drug facility the first time I thought I was serious about quitting until of course I got out, It didn't take long for me to start to preplan my relapse. First I started to romance my thoughts with how I missed the feeling of being high, next I would think how I would be able to try it just once for old time sake and then that would be it, oh how those thoughts romanced me.
I made a phone call from work one day and the dealer was all to happy to bring me something, he asked me where I had been and was in dis-belief that I was in a centre, Ya sure.
This loser didn't care about me at all and the only thing that he cared about was the money in my pocket,(he would take the last bit of change that was for your kids to eat with) I continued to buy crack every day from that time on but of course I was in control.
I actually thought that I was in control of my drug use but it was the opposite, it was in control of me, the romance won over.
The next time was going to be different and it was, I want to use again, my romantic thinking is telling me this exact second but I know I can't. I am at this moment countering the thoughts that will stop me from reaching for the phone and getting crack delivered, right now, really.
I learned allot from my past and I want to live my life or at least tonight drug free.
I will not make that phone call, I don't want to be paranoid all night, I want to sleep tonight because I have to work tomorrow, I need my money to live on for the next two weeks, I want to live,
This time is going to be different and it can be for you, play it through.
I made a phone call from work one day and the dealer was all to happy to bring me something, he asked me where I had been and was in dis-belief that I was in a centre, Ya sure.
This loser didn't care about me at all and the only thing that he cared about was the money in my pocket,(he would take the last bit of change that was for your kids to eat with) I continued to buy crack every day from that time on but of course I was in control.
I actually thought that I was in control of my drug use but it was the opposite, it was in control of me, the romance won over.
The next time was going to be different and it was, I want to use again, my romantic thinking is telling me this exact second but I know I can't. I am at this moment countering the thoughts that will stop me from reaching for the phone and getting crack delivered, right now, really.
I learned allot from my past and I want to live my life or at least tonight drug free.
I will not make that phone call, I don't want to be paranoid all night, I want to sleep tonight because I have to work tomorrow, I need my money to live on for the next two weeks, I want to live,
This time is going to be different and it can be for you, play it through.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
TRUTH CAN GIVE YOU FREEDOM
When I finally started to tell the truth about my addiction and the lies that went along with it I felt a change in me. It is a liberating feeling to let go of all the lies that one creates to be able to continue with drug use. The part that really surprises me now is that it was pretty obvious that I was lying but I believed I was fooling people that cared about me and the ones that didn't they wouldn't dare call me on any of my b.s.
I know someone that I love very much who is going through with the struggles of staying clean and so far they are losing the battle, until last week I wasn't sure what to do or how to help but all of the sudden they are starting to tell me the truth to the questions that I am asking, I can see that telling me the truth is something that is giving them power because it is given from the need for help, it is the start of saying to ones self that I want help and that I don't want to keep up with these lies any more.
I have been given the trust of this person, it must have been so hard to finally let go of the bull and tell me all those dirty secrets which are so embarrassing.
The truth that we all know is somehow warped by the addiction, the brain chemistry has been altered and to reverse this we need to stay clean.
Now that we have a trust between us we can hopefully start at finding a way to get on the road to recovery.
The truth shall set you free or a least its a start to a life that you really want to live.
I know someone that I love very much who is going through with the struggles of staying clean and so far they are losing the battle, until last week I wasn't sure what to do or how to help but all of the sudden they are starting to tell me the truth to the questions that I am asking, I can see that telling me the truth is something that is giving them power because it is given from the need for help, it is the start of saying to ones self that I want help and that I don't want to keep up with these lies any more.
I have been given the trust of this person, it must have been so hard to finally let go of the bull and tell me all those dirty secrets which are so embarrassing.
The truth that we all know is somehow warped by the addiction, the brain chemistry has been altered and to reverse this we need to stay clean.
Now that we have a trust between us we can hopefully start at finding a way to get on the road to recovery.
The truth shall set you free or a least its a start to a life that you really want to live.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
JUST FOR TODAY
Just for today works when the cravings or thoughts come into your mind, I found that I would put the Just into hours at the beginning of my quitting so that I was able to cope, So break it down to where it is helpful to you, days, hours, minutes and hang in there, don't give in, you know that if you do the same results will happen and they never change, they are always bad.
keep using that saying and always have it ready to use when the cravings are the worst and you'll see that you can stay away from drugs and that you are in control of your mind and what you choose to do.
Remember, you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to quit and you can if you fill your tool box with enough mind reinforcements to say no, Just for today.
keep using that saying and always have it ready to use when the cravings are the worst and you'll see that you can stay away from drugs and that you are in control of your mind and what you choose to do.
Remember, you wouldn't be reading this if you didn't want to quit and you can if you fill your tool box with enough mind reinforcements to say no, Just for today.
Monday, April 16, 2007
THE ROMANCE OF DRUG ADDICTION
If I think about the relationship that I had with crack cocaine and how hard it was to stop, was the result of the romance that I had created in my mind with the drug. As the addiction to crack progressed and each time things got worse as in missing work, spending all the money I had to live on until the next payday, and especially the hardship it put on my relationship with my girlfriend of 13 yrs I just couldn't say no to using.
No matter how severe the outcome of my last use was I would conjure up some wonderful feeling in my mind how good it was going to be to get high again even though I knew that I was going to be completely paranoid or sick, possibly bleeding from my mouth which would happen quite often.
It is hard for people to understand this theory, but for those of us who have or are living this nightmare it makes sense.
I have found my best defense to this thinking is to have a counter thought for every romantic thought I have about crack. I often think that I can buy just a $20.00 rock and that will be enough for the night but It won't, a thousand isn't enough, I would still be doing it days later with no sleep or food until all my money was gone, and since I was doing drugs for days on end my relationship, work, finances and health is affected.
The mind is a powerful tool but since it is my tool I choose to use it in a way that is productive not destructive.
No matter how severe the outcome of my last use was I would conjure up some wonderful feeling in my mind how good it was going to be to get high again even though I knew that I was going to be completely paranoid or sick, possibly bleeding from my mouth which would happen quite often.
It is hard for people to understand this theory, but for those of us who have or are living this nightmare it makes sense.
I have found my best defense to this thinking is to have a counter thought for every romantic thought I have about crack. I often think that I can buy just a $20.00 rock and that will be enough for the night but It won't, a thousand isn't enough, I would still be doing it days later with no sleep or food until all my money was gone, and since I was doing drugs for days on end my relationship, work, finances and health is affected.
The mind is a powerful tool but since it is my tool I choose to use it in a way that is productive not destructive.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
WHO'S LIFE IS IT ANYWAYS?
Good Morning
Just a thought for the day, I try and relate my past with drugs with my life today and I come to the realization that my life wasn't my own back in my using days.
I remember never being able to plan things that would be classified as normal because my whole life circled around drugs, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to when I closed them at night was all about drugs.
It is so hard to live a life of using and to function normally, even at work I would be planning how to get some so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic home, you see if I got caught in traffic then that would interfer with my using.
Family functions would be almost impossible to plan because I just wasn't reliable, I would miss things that were unforgiveable like my nieces wedding, or my sister in-laws 40 th birthday, my parents functions or the loss of my children for the last 7 yrs.
I have made ammends for some of these things but the truth is that I don't forgive myself, I can't get those times back no matter how many times I am told it is ok.
Don't get me wrong, this is part of my recovery and I am not happy about my decisions back then but I have the power of my life back now to understand and be in control of my decisions.
Its my life now and I will never give it away again, Fight for your life and it will be yours to make the right decisions that will define who you are and to live the life you always knew you were born to live, a clean life free of drugs from there anything is possible.
Just a thought for the day, I try and relate my past with drugs with my life today and I come to the realization that my life wasn't my own back in my using days.
I remember never being able to plan things that would be classified as normal because my whole life circled around drugs, from the moment I opened my eyes in the morning to when I closed them at night was all about drugs.
It is so hard to live a life of using and to function normally, even at work I would be planning how to get some so I wouldn't have to fight the traffic home, you see if I got caught in traffic then that would interfer with my using.
Family functions would be almost impossible to plan because I just wasn't reliable, I would miss things that were unforgiveable like my nieces wedding, or my sister in-laws 40 th birthday, my parents functions or the loss of my children for the last 7 yrs.
I have made ammends for some of these things but the truth is that I don't forgive myself, I can't get those times back no matter how many times I am told it is ok.
Don't get me wrong, this is part of my recovery and I am not happy about my decisions back then but I have the power of my life back now to understand and be in control of my decisions.
Its my life now and I will never give it away again, Fight for your life and it will be yours to make the right decisions that will define who you are and to live the life you always knew you were born to live, a clean life free of drugs from there anything is possible.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
INTRODUCTION TO MY USING
Hello, for those who know me and to those who don't my name name is Ron and I am a 46yr old man who is also a recovering drug addict of crack cocaine, On the 13 day of May 2007 I will be 2 yrs clean.
I was introduced to smoking pot at the early age of 13 and just fell in love with it, as I did with any other drug that was put in front of me. I guess thinking back I can see how I became so addicted to something so powerful as crack when I had no fear of trying any substances.
At around 21 I was introduced to free baseing cocaine and that was something that I really had trouble controlling but for some reason I broke away from that,
Crack now a days is different from then because it has so many more additives to it that are addictive.
I tried some around 35 yrs of age and just lost controll, my whole life changed for the worst and I went on for years trying to escape the hold that it had on me.
I was introduced to smoking pot at the early age of 13 and just fell in love with it, as I did with any other drug that was put in front of me. I guess thinking back I can see how I became so addicted to something so powerful as crack when I had no fear of trying any substances.
At around 21 I was introduced to free baseing cocaine and that was something that I really had trouble controlling but for some reason I broke away from that,
Crack now a days is different from then because it has so many more additives to it that are addictive.
I tried some around 35 yrs of age and just lost controll, my whole life changed for the worst and I went on for years trying to escape the hold that it had on me.
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