I think the hardest thing for an addict to tackle addiction is to get those first days of clean time under their belt. I am so sad at the amount of people that I know that are using and thinking that it is their secret. I was one of them.
I see these people and see how tired and thin they look and it isn't the look of being skinny it is the look of gaunt, you know what I mean don't you?
I usually ask them if everything is OK and if it isn't that they can talk to me if they want but as I did they deny that there is something wrong and change the subject. I just hope that they can get that first few days of clean time in so that they can start to prepare for the tough but well worth journey they are about to go on. It is important to understand that they are not alone and that if they need help or support then they can go to a meeting somewhere and just ask or tell their story. The people at these meetings will listen without judgement and they are not aloud to respond while you are talking.
I want you to have what I am getting right now. I want you to experience life without the chaos of drugs and see how happy you can be again. Oh God it is so worth it.
You must fight for those first few days but in the long run it will be so good for you. You know that you want this for yourself so get on board and stay clean for a few days when the timing is right.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
HAPPY FRIDAY
I don't know what I want to say right now, I just wanted to write.
I was watching Interventions on TV and it was on an alcoholic and the affects the alcoholism has on the children and the rest of the family. It is funny how we as addicts or alcoholics think only of ourselves when using and don't realize the devastation it has on the people around us.
My girlfriend still has the affects of living with a drug addict, she doesn't trust me totally yet. If I was to stay out longer than I said I was going to stay out then she has anxiety attacks on whether I am coming home at all. She would have been crying for hours and it really shows on her face and I feel her pain. We need to think about the others that are affected by our drug use. We need to make things different and to understand that in order to change and grow from where we were we need to look at the destruction we caused and the pain we put our love ones through.
This kind of thinking only reinforces your tool box of things you need to stay clean and sober. They are really important tools so whenever you feel weak and are thinking of using take one of these tools that fit the occasion and fight those cravings, fight for your life.
I was watching Interventions on TV and it was on an alcoholic and the affects the alcoholism has on the children and the rest of the family. It is funny how we as addicts or alcoholics think only of ourselves when using and don't realize the devastation it has on the people around us.
My girlfriend still has the affects of living with a drug addict, she doesn't trust me totally yet. If I was to stay out longer than I said I was going to stay out then she has anxiety attacks on whether I am coming home at all. She would have been crying for hours and it really shows on her face and I feel her pain. We need to think about the others that are affected by our drug use. We need to make things different and to understand that in order to change and grow from where we were we need to look at the destruction we caused and the pain we put our love ones through.
This kind of thinking only reinforces your tool box of things you need to stay clean and sober. They are really important tools so whenever you feel weak and are thinking of using take one of these tools that fit the occasion and fight those cravings, fight for your life.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
ITS NOT YOUR FRIEND
What do think is the hardest part for you to stop doing drugs is? I didn't want to stop the drugs I just wanted the chaos to stop. I remember thinking before I went into rehab that I needed to have my last hurrah and how sad I was and going to miss it.
It is like they are two different things the drugs and the chaos, that is something that we need to come to understand, they are the same. Once I got into a facility then that craving seemed to die off and it gave me a chance to reflect a bit on what had been going on in my life.
Once in the winter time I had parked my car in my driveway and it was icy, I heard a knock on the door but since I was doing crack I was so pharnoid I didn"t even move about two hours.
I finally got up when I was out of drugs and coming down and went to the front window only to see that my car had slid down the driveway and was out on a main street, someone had knocked and was trying to let me know this and eventually they slid it off the best they could.
I would also hide my pipe in the sofa and it was extremely hot and it could have caused a fire. I have a hundred stories like these, the point is we think that before we pick up that everything is going to be fine but the truth that once we get high that we are not able to function normally or make the decisions that we should be making that is normal or safe. When I hear a knock on the door now I can't wait to see who it might be because I don't really know anyone around here so who would be knocking. I occasionally leave the oven on and I get pretty mad at myself about that....You see the norm. If you can just think about the differences and play it through then you have a better chance of making it and staying clean.
It is scary quiting and losing your so called best friend or so you think it is your friend. You will so come to realize that it only takes and gives nothing back in return but destruction and pain.
Just get your foot in the door and give it a try. I think you'll see that you were born to be on the path that you are on now, the path to happiness.
It is like they are two different things the drugs and the chaos, that is something that we need to come to understand, they are the same. Once I got into a facility then that craving seemed to die off and it gave me a chance to reflect a bit on what had been going on in my life.
Once in the winter time I had parked my car in my driveway and it was icy, I heard a knock on the door but since I was doing crack I was so pharnoid I didn"t even move about two hours.
I finally got up when I was out of drugs and coming down and went to the front window only to see that my car had slid down the driveway and was out on a main street, someone had knocked and was trying to let me know this and eventually they slid it off the best they could.
I would also hide my pipe in the sofa and it was extremely hot and it could have caused a fire. I have a hundred stories like these, the point is we think that before we pick up that everything is going to be fine but the truth that once we get high that we are not able to function normally or make the decisions that we should be making that is normal or safe. When I hear a knock on the door now I can't wait to see who it might be because I don't really know anyone around here so who would be knocking. I occasionally leave the oven on and I get pretty mad at myself about that....You see the norm. If you can just think about the differences and play it through then you have a better chance of making it and staying clean.
It is scary quiting and losing your so called best friend or so you think it is your friend. You will so come to realize that it only takes and gives nothing back in return but destruction and pain.
Just get your foot in the door and give it a try. I think you'll see that you were born to be on the path that you are on now, the path to happiness.
Friday, June 15, 2007
LIVING WITH THE TRUTH
I was in full blown addiction when I was told by my sister that she had cancer, I can still remember her saying to me that, I don't want to die Ron and me being in the state I was just sort of shrugged it off. I remember asking God to let my sister live if I would give up drugs, but I never did and my sister died. Forgive me my sister.
The power of the drugs is a test as is life its self.
My other two sisters looked after her in the last part of her life and gave to her the love that only siblings can give. I myself in the last part of her life only visited her maybe twice because I was too busy getting high. Even when she was in the hospital I would leave and go and meet the dealer and get high. This is the pain I live with every day of my life right now. She needed me and I was not to be found.
I am a man of deep emotions and to do this kind of thing to my sister is unforgivable and I will never be able to tell her I'm sorry.
I was looking through a box of old stuff the other day and I came across a birthday card that she had given me, I think that is when I realized that she is here with me and that she does forgive me and that she would want me to write this right now.
I am staying clean because the power of family out weighs the power of drugs. I can deal with what I did to my sister, my children, my niece, and yes my girlfriend but only if I show that they mean enough to me and to beat this drug problem.
We have family that love us without question if we show them the person that they once knew or why not someone better.
Show them what they mean to you and give up the drugs. They put so much of their life into you and now it is time for you to give back and show them what they mean to you.
There is always that guilt and pain I live with every day but to think about how I would be feeling if I was doing drugs would only magnify those feelings two fold.
I want you to weigh the differences to see if it worth it to continue on with this life of drug use and chaos. It will be a fight to get off them but you'll see it is well worth it.
The power of the drugs is a test as is life its self.
My other two sisters looked after her in the last part of her life and gave to her the love that only siblings can give. I myself in the last part of her life only visited her maybe twice because I was too busy getting high. Even when she was in the hospital I would leave and go and meet the dealer and get high. This is the pain I live with every day of my life right now. She needed me and I was not to be found.
I am a man of deep emotions and to do this kind of thing to my sister is unforgivable and I will never be able to tell her I'm sorry.
I was looking through a box of old stuff the other day and I came across a birthday card that she had given me, I think that is when I realized that she is here with me and that she does forgive me and that she would want me to write this right now.
I am staying clean because the power of family out weighs the power of drugs. I can deal with what I did to my sister, my children, my niece, and yes my girlfriend but only if I show that they mean enough to me and to beat this drug problem.
We have family that love us without question if we show them the person that they once knew or why not someone better.
Show them what they mean to you and give up the drugs. They put so much of their life into you and now it is time for you to give back and show them what they mean to you.
There is always that guilt and pain I live with every day but to think about how I would be feeling if I was doing drugs would only magnify those feelings two fold.
I want you to weigh the differences to see if it worth it to continue on with this life of drug use and chaos. It will be a fight to get off them but you'll see it is well worth it.
TO BE OR NOT TO BE
Thank you for your comments. I don't know about the ache as you discibed it. When I was in rehab we discussed the different things that went on in my life, from the traumatic to the very sad things. I guess I believed this to be at least part of the reason for my drug use, at least now I can think clearly and instead of trying to deal with past traumatic events I learned to deal with these feelings.
I want these feelings to affect me but in a way now that I can say, well that is too sad or what if I had done this or that. I cannot change the past I can only learn to deal with it and not to numb out my feelings. Drugs only make things worse.
In every example I can think of I think everybody has only repeated the destruction of their lives with the use of drugs and sometimes the outcome was death.
What if I decide to use drugs the next time. Do you think that since I still have a job or a place to stay that everything is going to be alright.
This is how its going to go for me?
I will make that phone call and meet the dealer at our favorite location, of course he'll have missed me. I will grab a twenty rock and get home feeling so guilty, but it is only a one time occasion so what the hell. I will have to be alone because my girlfriend will know that something is up. I will do it and be I will be a freak show to watch. OK maybe I'll call him up again and buy just a little more since this is only a one time thing.
A short time later in the year my parents overheard old friends of mine saying that they heard that they found Ron dead of an overdose in the family room of his house and that it was probably a heart attack. Too bad.
Or I can go on the route that I am on now and deal with my feelings by talking or working out or going to a meeting and I will live a good life, maybe even a great life, heck why not.
I only want to be better than I am because I'm better than I was.
Its not all that complicated once you get started so jump aboard and give it a try, don't forget.
Think it through before you start. I believe in you.
I want these feelings to affect me but in a way now that I can say, well that is too sad or what if I had done this or that. I cannot change the past I can only learn to deal with it and not to numb out my feelings. Drugs only make things worse.
In every example I can think of I think everybody has only repeated the destruction of their lives with the use of drugs and sometimes the outcome was death.
What if I decide to use drugs the next time. Do you think that since I still have a job or a place to stay that everything is going to be alright.
This is how its going to go for me?
I will make that phone call and meet the dealer at our favorite location, of course he'll have missed me. I will grab a twenty rock and get home feeling so guilty, but it is only a one time occasion so what the hell. I will have to be alone because my girlfriend will know that something is up. I will do it and be I will be a freak show to watch. OK maybe I'll call him up again and buy just a little more since this is only a one time thing.
A short time later in the year my parents overheard old friends of mine saying that they heard that they found Ron dead of an overdose in the family room of his house and that it was probably a heart attack. Too bad.
Or I can go on the route that I am on now and deal with my feelings by talking or working out or going to a meeting and I will live a good life, maybe even a great life, heck why not.
I only want to be better than I am because I'm better than I was.
Its not all that complicated once you get started so jump aboard and give it a try, don't forget.
Think it through before you start. I believe in you.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I BELIEVE IN YOU
I have been trying to help another person that I know that is addicted to crack cocaine. He was in the rehab centre with me but slipped after we got out and continued to use. It has been over 2 years now and he is hitting bottom again. It seems to me that we were never that far away from the bottom to begin with after relapsing. My friend is an incredible person when he is straight, he has a fantastic job and can make a ton of money when he works. He has other tickets to allow him chose to do other jobs too.
He owned a home, had people in his life that he cared deeply for. He travelled, had a nice car and was able to buy things that he wanted.
Today he is homeless. He has spent everything he has on drugs and the funny thing is that we know that we need to pay our rent, bills and buy food but the mind is only interested in getting the drugs.
He is now at bottom and he has a chance to rebound.
I want you to think about being without drugs for a time. Is it as bad as being so hungry, so cold, so lonely. I went through rehab twice and personally I thought it was a blessing. They gave me a warm place to stay, a bed , food galore and councelling. It was my start and I wanted to be there. You have to weigh the differences, compare and keep comparing whenever you feel weak. Food or no food, a place to live or the streets, a family that wants you in their lives or one that wants to know what you want now. Play it through.
Pick a route with no chaos and you will find yourself on the road to recovery. You know that you want this for yourself so get started.
We can controll what we think it just takes a little practise to start thinking what is healthy for us and stay on the path, a path that will be full of rewards. My friends you can do it. I believe in you.
He owned a home, had people in his life that he cared deeply for. He travelled, had a nice car and was able to buy things that he wanted.
Today he is homeless. He has spent everything he has on drugs and the funny thing is that we know that we need to pay our rent, bills and buy food but the mind is only interested in getting the drugs.
He is now at bottom and he has a chance to rebound.
I want you to think about being without drugs for a time. Is it as bad as being so hungry, so cold, so lonely. I went through rehab twice and personally I thought it was a blessing. They gave me a warm place to stay, a bed , food galore and councelling. It was my start and I wanted to be there. You have to weigh the differences, compare and keep comparing whenever you feel weak. Food or no food, a place to live or the streets, a family that wants you in their lives or one that wants to know what you want now. Play it through.
Pick a route with no chaos and you will find yourself on the road to recovery. You know that you want this for yourself so get started.
We can controll what we think it just takes a little practise to start thinking what is healthy for us and stay on the path, a path that will be full of rewards. My friends you can do it. I believe in you.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
LEARN TO LIVE AGAIN
I was going downtown Vancouver the other day and saw so many loss souls just like I use to be. I had forgotten what it was like to live a normal day without the chaos of drugs. Some of the people looked so sad and it made me sick to my stomach.
If only we could wave a magic wand and give them a clean start for lets say 1 year and let them feel what it is like to wake up with the only thought on their mind is what they were going to have for breakfast.
There is no magic wand but there is will power and determination and my friends you have a never ending supply of that. Ask yourself if you want this for yourself, do you?
Step back and look closely at the way you are living and make your decision. You deserve to live again, to live a life with love and family, you know they miss you don't you?
I promise that things will get better for you, that you will grow into a better person than you already are.
I want to tell you this though, it isn't easy and it isn't always roses. I am going through some sort of depression now but I am still 1000 times happier than I was.
Learn to live again, Learn to love yourself, Learn that you are a valuable person to this planet and to the people that love you.
SHOW YOUR REAL SELF AND SHINE.
If only we could wave a magic wand and give them a clean start for lets say 1 year and let them feel what it is like to wake up with the only thought on their mind is what they were going to have for breakfast.
There is no magic wand but there is will power and determination and my friends you have a never ending supply of that. Ask yourself if you want this for yourself, do you?
Step back and look closely at the way you are living and make your decision. You deserve to live again, to live a life with love and family, you know they miss you don't you?
I promise that things will get better for you, that you will grow into a better person than you already are.
I want to tell you this though, it isn't easy and it isn't always roses. I am going through some sort of depression now but I am still 1000 times happier than I was.
Learn to live again, Learn to love yourself, Learn that you are a valuable person to this planet and to the people that love you.
SHOW YOUR REAL SELF AND SHINE.
Friday, June 1, 2007
THE REWARD IS SELF RESPECT
I got paid today. Usually this is just payday but for some reason I got the urge to shop.
When I got to the shopping mall and started to look for a pair of shorts, well I tell you, there were so many cloths. I wanted to buy just about everything that caught my attention. I thought to myself I can't afford this but then I realized that I would spend a thousand dollars on drugs in a few days so why not buy myself something. I walked out of there with sandals, 3 pairs of shorts, 3 shirts and some bones for my dog.
I haven't felt that good in a long time, it is so empowering to be able to do that for myself and I only spent 100 dollars. This is my reward and I missed this, just to be able to get for myself the everyday essentials and I feel so good in my new cloths.
This is something that you deserve for yourself too and you can do it if you play it through, remember what the comparison is, having money for everyday living vs having no money at all, not even for something to eat. This will be your reward too and you will have the power of your life back again, no chaos just life and what you make of it.
Life isn't always roses for me but at least I am working with a mind that I am in control of not the drugs. The rewards are starting to come in now with a little hard work.
When I got to the shopping mall and started to look for a pair of shorts, well I tell you, there were so many cloths. I wanted to buy just about everything that caught my attention. I thought to myself I can't afford this but then I realized that I would spend a thousand dollars on drugs in a few days so why not buy myself something. I walked out of there with sandals, 3 pairs of shorts, 3 shirts and some bones for my dog.
I haven't felt that good in a long time, it is so empowering to be able to do that for myself and I only spent 100 dollars. This is my reward and I missed this, just to be able to get for myself the everyday essentials and I feel so good in my new cloths.
This is something that you deserve for yourself too and you can do it if you play it through, remember what the comparison is, having money for everyday living vs having no money at all, not even for something to eat. This will be your reward too and you will have the power of your life back again, no chaos just life and what you make of it.
Life isn't always roses for me but at least I am working with a mind that I am in control of not the drugs. The rewards are starting to come in now with a little hard work.
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