I'M GOING TO KEEP FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE.

I often find myself wondering where I would be right now if I hadn't quit the drugs. I run into a couple of other guys that went through the same thing as me with our employer but they never made it through the drug testing for the two years that they signed a contract for. One person I saw on the street when I was working and offered to buy him a coffee, he is homeless now with a young daughter that probably wants her dad home. He is not doing that great with the drugs and I can't quite read just where he is coming from when he talks to me but at least he's willing to talk.
The other guy is working but he says he uses occasionally, mostly at night when he is by himself. You see he does a night watchmen job and he says he just buys a little one, meaning a 20 dollar rock.
They have both been through rehab, twice each. They know what they are suppose to do. They have learned the tools that will help them try to quit but they can't quite convince themselves that they are ready.
They were ready when they first picked up again and their ready now.
I am writing this with no advise to them but this is for myself. I need to remind myself that the life that I will go back to if I use will be the same as the one they are living. I haven't had contact with my daughters now going on 9 yrs but when they decide to forgive me I will be clean, have a roof over my head and will hold a job, the same job that has been paying their child support for many years now. I am going to stay healthy and happy and one day they will see this in their dad. I would not be able to show them this man if I was to use again. I need to stay clean.
I am so afraid that one day I am going to allow myself to just pick up once and think that it will be alright, just this once OK and I will never do it again.
I feel bad for my two friends and in an ironic way I am grateful too. I see through them that life always stays the same when we use there is no growth in life. I hope that they can get themselves on the right track so that they can be happy once again and hold their heads high.
The life I have now is so precious to me and everyone in it, you know who you are and I will fight to keep it each and every day. I hope they find their way back soon.