How can I convince you to stop using drugs? When is enough going to be enough. I drove by a really active drug area in my city today and saw so many people out in the cold. We have had snow for a couple of weeks now and the temperature has been really cold at night. I know you don't want that for yourself, to be sleeping in some hallway or bin. When is it going to be enough for you to get on board and get well again. You know this isn't really what you want to do is it?
I can tell you that things can change. My friend who I talk about in past blogs is now 9 months clean. God you wouldn't believe the difference in this woman. She is so beautiful and full of sunshine it just radiates off of her. She is proud of herself and the funny thing is, she has always shined she just forgot about the warmth that she feels inside. How to love herself as we do. You know that you are just like me and my friend and that you can do it too. We're no one special we just started and continue to start it every time we wake up if you know what I mean?
My near three years clean and her nine months is no more important than your one day clean. You are so special and each and every day clean will remind you of just how important you are to yourself and the people who love you.
Start with the first day with me tomorrow, I promise you won't regret it.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Saturday, January 12, 2008
I'M GOING TO KEEP FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE.
I often find myself wondering where I would be right now if I hadn't quit the drugs. I run into a couple of other guys that went through the same thing as me with our employer but they never made it through the drug testing for the two years that they signed a contract for. One person I saw on the street when I was working and offered to buy him a coffee, he is homeless now with a young daughter that probably wants her dad home. He is not doing that great with the drugs and I can't quite read just where he is coming from when he talks to me but at least he's willing to talk.
The other guy is working but he says he uses occasionally, mostly at night when he is by himself. You see he does a night watchmen job and he says he just buys a little one, meaning a 20 dollar rock.
They have both been through rehab, twice each. They know what they are suppose to do. They have learned the tools that will help them try to quit but they can't quite convince themselves that they are ready.
They were ready when they first picked up again and their ready now.
I am writing this with no advise to them but this is for myself. I need to remind myself that the life that I will go back to if I use will be the same as the one they are living. I haven't had contact with my daughters now going on 9 yrs but when they decide to forgive me I will be clean, have a roof over my head and will hold a job, the same job that has been paying their child support for many years now. I am going to stay healthy and happy and one day they will see this in their dad. I would not be able to show them this man if I was to use again. I need to stay clean.
I am so afraid that one day I am going to allow myself to just pick up once and think that it will be alright, just this once OK and I will never do it again.
I feel bad for my two friends and in an ironic way I am grateful too. I see through them that life always stays the same when we use there is no growth in life. I hope that they can get themselves on the right track so that they can be happy once again and hold their heads high.
The life I have now is so precious to me and everyone in it, you know who you are and I will fight to keep it each and every day. I hope they find their way back soon.
The other guy is working but he says he uses occasionally, mostly at night when he is by himself. You see he does a night watchmen job and he says he just buys a little one, meaning a 20 dollar rock.
They have both been through rehab, twice each. They know what they are suppose to do. They have learned the tools that will help them try to quit but they can't quite convince themselves that they are ready.
They were ready when they first picked up again and their ready now.
I am writing this with no advise to them but this is for myself. I need to remind myself that the life that I will go back to if I use will be the same as the one they are living. I haven't had contact with my daughters now going on 9 yrs but when they decide to forgive me I will be clean, have a roof over my head and will hold a job, the same job that has been paying their child support for many years now. I am going to stay healthy and happy and one day they will see this in their dad. I would not be able to show them this man if I was to use again. I need to stay clean.
I am so afraid that one day I am going to allow myself to just pick up once and think that it will be alright, just this once OK and I will never do it again.
I feel bad for my two friends and in an ironic way I am grateful too. I see through them that life always stays the same when we use there is no growth in life. I hope that they can get themselves on the right track so that they can be happy once again and hold their heads high.
The life I have now is so precious to me and everyone in it, you know who you are and I will fight to keep it each and every day. I hope they find their way back soon.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
TIME TO TAKE THE STEPS THAT WILL BRING YOU HOME AGAIN
I wanted to quit doing crack so bad but only when it seemed I hit bottom again. I use to hit bottom alot. It was when I ran out of money or I was so tired from using for a day or longer with no sleep or food. I was always willing to quit when I was down and out but as soon as I had some sleep or I talked my way out of the position I had got myself into off I would go again. God I hated that stuff and what it did to me. Oh god I miss that stuff and what it did to me. You see one of these statements is true but only because I know to play my drug use through.
Do you know that sometimes I get exhausted just thinking about when I use to use. I can remember one thing for instance was the scraping of a pipe. You have no idea how unbelievably crazy that was for me, pulling on the wire that would go into the bowl of the pipe. We called it Brillo and it would cut into my fingers and they would start to bleed but I wouldn't stop, not for a few deep cuts even though my blood was all over everything.
Have I ever told you about the shadows I use to see on the walls. I would think that someone was outside of my window and I wouldn't move, I was so paranoid of everything.
Let me tell you something I don't miss that drug and what it did to me. When its time to sleep I sleep. If I think someone is in my yard they better start running because I am going to introduce them to my newest member to my family and that would be my black Labrador, all 90 lbs of her and pearly white teeth too.
You see there is a normal life for you to live again. You just have to want it bad enough to go for it. Play your drug use through each and every time you feel weak, don't forget that your family loves you and are behind you everyday and seeing the old you coming back but better now.
I am behind you. Take a deep breath right now and then say to yourself this is the day that I am going to quit and take control of my life back again, say it, please won't you just give it a try.
A time for a new start is now. This is the road that your suppose to be on, if you look closely it will look familiar again because its the road that will lead you to your old self again....Welcome back, we've missed you.
Do you know that sometimes I get exhausted just thinking about when I use to use. I can remember one thing for instance was the scraping of a pipe. You have no idea how unbelievably crazy that was for me, pulling on the wire that would go into the bowl of the pipe. We called it Brillo and it would cut into my fingers and they would start to bleed but I wouldn't stop, not for a few deep cuts even though my blood was all over everything.
Have I ever told you about the shadows I use to see on the walls. I would think that someone was outside of my window and I wouldn't move, I was so paranoid of everything.
Let me tell you something I don't miss that drug and what it did to me. When its time to sleep I sleep. If I think someone is in my yard they better start running because I am going to introduce them to my newest member to my family and that would be my black Labrador, all 90 lbs of her and pearly white teeth too.
You see there is a normal life for you to live again. You just have to want it bad enough to go for it. Play your drug use through each and every time you feel weak, don't forget that your family loves you and are behind you everyday and seeing the old you coming back but better now.
I am behind you. Take a deep breath right now and then say to yourself this is the day that I am going to quit and take control of my life back again, say it, please won't you just give it a try.
A time for a new start is now. This is the road that your suppose to be on, if you look closely it will look familiar again because its the road that will lead you to your old self again....Welcome back, we've missed you.
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