A MINUTE IN THE PAST

I have been quite sad these last couple of months. It is an underlying sadness that often brings me to tears and I couldn't quite put a finger on what was wrong with me. I have to figure these things out for myself and not let them linger inside. I think I know what is wrong now. It is my children. Ever since my addiction started I had been vacant from their lives. I never called for months at a time. This went on for years and I haven't seen them for about 10 yrs now. My daughters are not kids anymore. They are young adults and as much as I try they will not respond to anything I do to have a relationship with them. The last couple of months I did alot of thinking and I wrote to them and told them I no longer want a relationship and that I don't want them to ever get in contact with me and the same for me. I know for myself that It is the best thing for me to keep safe. I was going crazy, hurting inside so bad it was killing me.
My daughters don't really know me. I wasn't an ideal father to them and I understand why they choose not to respond but it still hurts. I made a mistake, a huge mistake. I chose drugs over my kids and I am so sorry I never got to watch you grow up and for you to have a dad in your lives.
I was meant to be a great father. I have no excuses for my failure of one of the most important rolls in a mans life. I will just try and be a responsible, reliable , happy person now.
That is my story, it doesn't have to be yours. Fight for your life away from drugs. Fight for the ones you love and who need you back. Be a winner and start today. I might not have a chance to take back what I did to my daughters but I will at least show them that I am a good human being that is clean from drugs and responsible for my life now.
You can do the same if you want it bad enough. Look for help and take it. I don't really believe in the...you have to hit bottom theory... I hit a bottom a thousand times. I was an addict and I was addicted to crack. I just needed to get away from it. I can pick up anytime I want. I don't want!!!I play it through and my first thought is that my heart might not let me one more time. I know this to be a fact for a few others I knew. On the other hand who wants that life again. Broke, hungry, skinny, sick, ugly, stealing, lying , missing work, hurting yourself , dangerous, and the biggest one of all....Hurting the people you love....I'm sorry kids, I know it doesn't make any sense but I didn't mean too do this to you. I would give my life if only to share a minute in the past with you again as children.