Time is the answer

 I see I haven't blogged since 2016.

I have come such a long way since then. I will go back and read some of my old posts just to see where I was then and where I am now.

I am retired now and my wife and I live a great life. We fight just like anyone else but as we grow we learn so many ways to live in harmony.

My life as a Crack head is in the past, so many bad  memories but it is as though it wasn't me living that life.

I am a totally different person. To be able to make it out of that life style is a feat in itself but I did it and you can too!

I know I've talked about the absentee I've lived from my children and I still haven't seen them. I try but to no avail.

I can live this life I have but the loss in my heart is so painful. I deal with it daily but I stay on the right path instead of numbing myself.

If you struggle with drug addiction just know that?

It is possible to beat this. It takes power from you but you can do it, you can take your life back again. Don't give up!

I haven't written in so many years and I'm a bit rusty, lol.

We only have one life to life on earth and I'm 63 years into mine. I'm going to be a great husband, friend, companion and a good human to others for my remaining days.

Who we are reflects on who our parents were. I will try and show people what I was taught by my dad but especially my mom, she was a beautiful soul.

Be good to people, be loving ,kind and respectful but most of all be give the same kindness to yourself.

You are the only one on earth that know what goes through your mind every second, minute, hour of everyday in our lives..

Big hugs ..

Hopefully talk again soon.

A HEART AS BIG AS THE UNIVERSE

Wow how long has it been since I've written anything, Hi everyone. I've missed you.
I am still going strong and still staying clean of that miserable substance crack cocaine. Sometime I forget just where I was in my life when I was on drugs, only to be reminded by others who are in a place in there lives where I was not so many years ago. I don't want to forget, it scares me. One of the most powerful tools that I use is, Playing it through, and how do I play it through if I can't remember what I need to.
We all need to remember what helped us get clean, what finally got us to surrender, to become a functional human being like we were meant to be from the time we were born.
I look at people now a days and see such good in everyone. I read the paper and hear how someone jumped in to help another person who was being attacked or who was in a situation that was life threatening and without a thought put themselves at risk to help. I watch movies that leave me in tears with acts of kindness that have me saying out loud, What a wonderful person, wishing that was me. My heart is so full of love that I don't know what to do with it most times.
I guess what I'm trying to say or want to say is, I think that is an addicts heart. You are so full of hurt that comes from love that we just can't understand why? Why did those things happen to me, why was I treated like that, why don't they love me, and that is why we numbed ourselves with drugs.
Don't ask why anymore, it wasn't your fault and you have the heart of an addict, a heart that is as big the universe. You have the capability to not only get off drugs but to help others. With that heart you can do anything you want.
I love you and I want you to succeed, we people with hearts of lions fight for what we believe in, we fight for others that can't take care of themselves. You are one of gods angels and he needs you now.
Won't you please try and help yourself so that you can help others that don't know what direction to go. You are so strong a person you just have to believe in yourself as I do in you.
I'm going to wake up tomorrow and try and do something nice for a stranger, I don't know what yet but I hope its something that is life changing for them I know it will be for me. I guess what I'm hoping most of all is that I hope that somebody is You.
JUST BELIEVE IN YOURSELF BECAUSE I BELIEVE IN ....YOU....

PLAYING IT THROUGH, ITS A FIGHT YOU CAN'T LOSE

A life after drug addiction is a hard one to picture. The future was always a day by day struggle. I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and what to do with all this time I had on my hands now that I'm not planning how and when I will get my next high.
I started this blog and thought at the time that it was just what I wanted to do, I wanted so bad for my words to help someone, and I hope they did and continue to.
Okay, now lets start from here. I am now four or five years clean. I am working steady but it took a lot of hard work to get to this. I seem to want to work everyday where as before I didn't. I am functioning as a normal person in society, wow can you imagine that.
Before I go further I would like to tell you something. I believe in you and I always will. I will never let you down or give up on you. You are so special and if you want what I have you have to work hard, you have that in you don't you?
I want you to start your battle against the cravings by playing your day though in your head. If you're going to use then think about what the rest of your day will be like. Think of all the chaos, the cravings when you run out of the drug you use. Think of the money that you have and how fast you're spending it on drugs when you need it for something else. Think of how the dealer is so great while you have money, you're a somebody but when you're finally broke he treats you like a loser. Think about the next morning when you had bills to pay or a special birthday or a Christmas presents to buy for a loved one, remember how you felt when you let them down? again and again and again!!!! PLAY IT THROUGH. I would go in my work vehicle and buy drugs, I would hide in place that I have to work in and smoke crack for hours on end. I was so messed up when I did them that I must have looked like an idiot. Hate the drugs, Hate what they do to you, Hate what they make you become, Hate how they take the person you are and make you someone that you no longer like. You have these choices to make, play it through and when you get a day, two or three day play them through and compare. Give it a try and play your day through. If you are happy when using then maybe it was for you all along... ya right... if not what do you have to lose?
Some say that drugs are the devil's work, I would bet my soul he's the drug dealer too!!!!
You are a special person , you have the right to be happy. I believe in you, won't you believe in yourself too.

A LIFE YOU WANT

Oh my god , how long has it been? I miss you . You all are the reason that I keep coming back to this sight. I want all of you to know that I am still clean. I think of buying some crack often but never go through with it, why? because it is the same results every time. I want you all to get the same power, to be able to say NO.
I still haven't seen my kids in ....lets just say its been enough years to relapse on... no what I'm getting at? I am not going to give in. The next time I see my kids, and its been 15 yrs or at least close to that, I will be able to give them someone who is somewhat normal. I love you all and want you to make a life for yourself.
reach for the stars, dream for what you want in life because it isn't out of reach.
no matter what you want in life it come with hard work, work is the easy part its the commitment that is hard work, Its called clean living.,. something that you want...or am I wrong????

ITS JUST NOT YOUR LIFE

Its true, yes it can really happen to you. What you ask? You can have your life back, but its up to you... As you have already read in my past blogs, I have a niece and nephew that are struggling with addiction too. They are struggling with the life of being clean now. What should they do? What about work, food, money for everyday life?
As I am so much more a support system in an addicts life instead of living one I am learning to understand that they need to hear that I love them, that if they slip that its ok , just keep fighting. I am here for them now and I will always be here for them.
You two are doing so great, just think about where you have come from, where you were one year ago, two, three. I am not a perfect human being in any sense of the meaning. I am just a person who happens to be your uncle and is telling you that you can beat this addiction. I did so far, and so can you. I love you and I think you two are the most amazing people I have ever met.
Find your way in life that will make you happy without the use of drugs. Drugs only numb what you dont want to feel, dont you agree.
You are my world and my feelings...if you feel like using wont you just call me and tell me first, wont You.
My life, your life , means our life.. I fought for my life so fight for yours...like you never have before....I believed in myself, believe in yourself too..YOUR UNCLE RON

WHO LOVES YOU ....PARENTS OR DEALER...THE ANSWER IS CLEAR

Are you tired? Tired of trying to live a life you never dreamed you would be living as an addict.
I am here to tell you that you don't have to live this way anymore. I want you to promise me one thing if you are really serious about quitting. Stop pretending that you are fine and that you can quit anytime you want because I know that you can't and so do you!....
I want you to think about all the people in your life that love you, everyone that cares about you and ( loans you money ) ya right! as though you have the intention of paying it back!
I want you to think of the pain you are causing to your parents that put their youth into taking care of you, of changing you diaper, of never having any sleep for the first year of your life.
I want you to think of the people that are in your mind that you love and care for.
Now I want you to think of the dealers, the friends that are always around you when you have money or drugs but are never there when you need a helping hand.
Ask this question to yourself...Who loves you?
Please won't you come back to the life you were meant to live. Don't waste anymore time of this precious life that your parents gave to you and make them proud.
They believe in you, I believe in you...Won't you believe in yourself too...
LIFE GIVES BACK TO YOU, YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.
I am here for you, I love you and i will do everything in my power to help you make it through this time of your life.
I deal with great pain every second of my day, with a loss that I can't put a scale to, but I can tell you it is unmeasureable. I am a survivor.
WHAT IS YOUR WORTH? ASK YOUR PARENTS, YOUR LOVE ONES, THEN DO ME A FAVOUR WILL YOU? ASK YOUR DEALER FOR A FRONT?? LOVE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE WILL BE YOURS AGAIN I PROMISE.

LOVE OF MY LIFE.

This is to my daughters.
I just came from a queen concert. Love of my life. That song is for you, that song and one from Chicago are the songs that bring tears to my eyes when I hear them.
The Chicago song starts off with a flute??? I use to sing it to you two all the time.
I just celebrated 4 yrs of being clean and it means nothing to me without you two in my life. I always fucked up after your mother and I split up but couldn't recover from the damage I did.
I was a person that turned to drugs to make up for the pain I was going through but that didn' t
work either. I am your father but you don't acknowledge it. I gave you love but you don't ackowledge that. I have paid child support for your whole life but you don't seem to know this or appreciate it??? I was addicted to drugs but I still paid your support??
I loved you two so much I couldn't let you down.
I might not have been the ideal father but I tried.
Your mother and my split up wasn't because of you two it was because we were just two people that were too young to start a marriage let alone a family.
I had problems too, Don't you?
My reason for this letter is to let you know that I know I'm the adult and I take full responsibility for not being a father to you girls. I let you down and i'm so sorry..
You two are the love of my life.